Booze nearly killed me

BOB cannot wear aftershave. He can't use mouthwash. His wife can't even wear perfume. All could send him back on a devastating path which would almost certainly kill him.

What do all these seemingly-harmless household products have in common? They contain alcohol.

Bob may be a false name. But Bob is real, he lives in York and he is an alcoholic. This week marks a significant anniversary for the 52-year-old. He has not touched a drop of drink for three years.

The drinking Bob was a very different character. That Bob went out for a newspaper and returned home three days later.

He spent every waking moment searching, craving for his next drink. Beer, spirits, meths - he didn't care. That Bob destroyed his brain, and almost destroyed everyone close to him.

The scars still remain in the new Bob's sober world. His short-term memory has been obliterated.

Bob can't walk into York city centre without someone to guide him. He forgets where he is going. That's when the panic attacks start.

That's what being an alcoholic is.

During York Drugs and Alcohol Awareness Week, it is a painful message Bob is desperate to get across to young people in the city.

"I didn't even notice it was happening," says Bob. "I liked a pint, just like other people, but it took over me.

"I went from enjoying a pint to sneaking a drink, to getting it anyway I could. I used to pinch it. I couldn't even walk past an off-licence. I couldn't wake up in the morning without a bottle at the side of the bed."

Bob had prided himself on being a social drinker - able to drink his mates under the table.

Then came the time when the only one under the table was Bob. "I was completely drunk all the time," he admits.

He talks about the "line" that divides a social drinker and an alcoholic.

It is invisible - but it exists and as Paschal Keane, a rehabilitation co-ordinator at York Alcohol Advice Service explains, you only know you have crossed it when it is too late.

"The difference is that an alcoholic cannot walk away. That is the nightmare," he says. "One drink is all it takes to set it off again. That's the addiction.

"You are in your own little world and, to the alcoholic, that world is completely normal. You don't think of anything else and you can't come out of it until you are ready."

Bob drank himself towards an early grave for nine years. Through the constant drunkenness, he had moments of clarity. But even these moments weren't enough to stop him drinking.

"I tried rehab, it didn't work. I tried everything I could to stop drinking. I thought I was cured until I got home," he says.

"I even tried living in Sheffield for a year to get away.

"I didn't want help. I was trying to kill myself with drink. You can't do anything until you know yourself that you have hit rock bottom."

The smallest things can mean the difference between life and death. The catalyst for Bob to turn his life around came in the most simplest of moments.

He says: "We were supposed to go away for a day. I was still drunk and my wife said she would not go unless I promised I wouldn't have a drink.

"I went through hell that day. All I wanted was a drink. But I got through it and my wife said to me, you've got through one day - you can get through another. That was three years ago."

Now the help and rehabilitation he had ignored for so many years suddenly became a vital ingredient of his own "recovery".

Bob attends a relapse prevention group run by York Alcohol Advice Service.

It gives him the chance to talk with people who know what he has been through and what he is still going through.

"I still need that support. The next drink could be today, or tomorrow. I couldn't just have a social drink now. It has to be everything or nothing."

Relapse prevention is a self-help group, offering support and confidentiality, giving its clients the chance to talk about the fears and worries they face every day in their drink-free world.

Bob has been attending for almost three years. His turnaround has been remarkable. These days he can even visit the pub for a meal.

Addiction is tough to crack. The urge to drink is constant, and it is a feeling Bob has found he can control.

But, as with the simple things that help an addict to stop for the first time, it is simple things that provide the temptations.

"I became a grandfather again the other day. I said to my wife 'how can I celebrate?' I have other grandchildren and on every other occasion I had 'wet the baby's head' and got hammered.

"I didn't know what to do. I had always had a drink. But I got through it. I didn't drink and I came out feeling good."

Paschal says: "You are fighting all the time. It is an addiction, not a habit. Habits can be broken, but addiction is for life."

For Bob, a drink-free existence was frightening, but was a revelation. The alcohol-induced haze lifted introducing him to a world he had last visited nearly a decade earlier.

"It was the little things that I noticed," he says. "The leaves on the trees, the birds. You notice your neighbours and they say hello to you - instead of calling the police. It was a world I had never known."

For help, advice or information about relapse prevention ring York Alcohol Advice Service on 01904 610447.

Updated: 10:29 Wednesday, May 14, 2003