MY mate, financial whizzkid Stuart Watts of York, was there when this 167lb catfish was caught by Essex man John Webb, pictured left, on the River Ebro about one and a half hours south of Barcelona.

The monster took John's live eel bait and is believed to be the largest one ever caught on the Ebro.

The party of four anglers spent a week in Spain "fishing by night and snoring by day," says Stuart who landed a 30lb catfish during the same trip.

"A tiddler by comparison with John's," bemoans Stuart who once caught a 43lb pike in Lake Nasser, Eygpt.

Stuart says John's huge catfish was tied overnight to the dock you can see in the picture so the lads could return in daylight and capture the prize catch.

All the fish the "lads" caught were later released back into the Ebro.

I go fishing quite a lot... the freezer at Sainsbury's supermarket but I never throw them back.

- Keith Elsworth of Strensall was amused when he saw this plaque in Helmsley Town Hall.

So amused by the misuse of the apostrophe in "it's" - it should, of course be "its" that he wrote to John Dale, who lives in Wigginton and is secretary of Helmsley Town Hall Management Committee.

Keith wanted to know if a plaque of such distinction should include such a basic mistake.

John replied: "I acknowledge receipt of your letter regarding the plaque in Helmsley Town Hall relating to the Duke of York's visit.

"I am sorry that the wording on the plaque appears to offend you.

"However, I am pleased to say that this was drafted out by HRH Prince Andrew's personal secretary and approved by Buckingham Palace.

"The committee had no choice whatsoever in the wording.

"We are not at liberty to change this, that was something that was made quite clear to us."

It would appear the Duke of York runs this democracy.

- STREWTH, blue, it's not everyday you get an invite to a posh do at the Australian High Commission in London to munch... a biscuit.

My colleague Maxine Gordon was all set to bring her Sunday best out of mothballs and book a seat on the Kings Cross express - until she read the small print.

"Alison McGuigan-Lewis, Minister Commercial, invites you to celebrate a major initiative in Anglo-Australian relations - the UK launch of Arnott's Tim Tam biscuits."

Crumbs! Was this for real?

Well it appears so. The Aussies couldn't give a XXXX for any other type of biccie.

When we have a break, we have a KitKat. In Oz, they go for a Tim Tam, which apparently is very similar to a Penguin biscuit.

Aussie Vanessa Gossage who now lives in York is a Tim Tam devotee and is delighted at the news her favourite biscuits will now be on sale across the UK.

"You can buy them in Harvey Nicks in Leeds, but they cost about £3 a pack. In Australia, you would only pay about 80p for them.

"I can understand why we're making a song and dance about the launch. Everybody in Australia is a bit crazy for Tim Tams. We're a proud nation and an eccentric one. I can't imagine the French doing the same, can you?"

Meanwhile, Maxine's social diary is filling up with equally bizarre dates.

Latest to arrive in the post is a VIP champagne and canapes do at York's Mount Royale Hotel for the launch of Veinwave - a treatment for unsightly red veins.

Whatever next?

A luxury lunch at the Mansion House to watch paint dry?

Meanwhile, fling another biscuit on the barbie, Bruce!

- THE elderly couple stood patiently in the Post Office queue in York's Lendal quietly smiling.

In his hand the husband held a winning Lottery ticket.

When it was their turn he handed the ticket to the woman behind the counter, saying: "I think we've won a tenner, love."

The woman checked the winning numbers and delivered a bombshell.

"No you haven't won a tenner you have won more than £367,000," upon which she left the counter and got a chair for the stunned wife who kept asking: "Are you sure. Are you sure."

She sure was. They had won big-time!

The Post Office woman explained they could not pay out this amount in York, the couple would have to go to Leeds to collect their Lottery loot.

"But we don't get out very much, how are we going to get there?" asked the wife.

"I think you've got enough money now to get a taxi there and back," said the Post Office angel.

"So we have," said the husband at which he and his wife disappeared into the dark, dank December day. It was Christmas four years ago.

Less than half an hour later they returned with champagne and mince pies for the Post Office counter staff who were sworn to secrecy about the whole thing.

It's taken me four years to bring you this heart-warming but still my mole refuses to give me the names of the lucky couple.

Those Post Office staff make the Sphinx look like a blabbermouth...

- IT probably went unnoticed as the shoppers hustled and bustled up and down the aisles of Asda at Monks Cross the other day - but I heard it.

The store's equivalent of Hi-De-Hi's Gladys Pugh - no relation to fork-lift truck driver and living York legend Mick Pugh of Pugh, Piggott and Presley fame - was exhorting customers to buy-de-buy over her radio mike.

"... and for anyone thinking of making dinner this evening, the cauliflower's have been reduced down to...".

It's when they are reduced up that you need to worry.

You need a new scriptwriter, girl.

I'm free - well, seriously reduced!

- Suitable for everyday use. Throughout the day - Information on a packet of Tesco Premium teabags.

Updated: 09:43 Saturday, May 03, 2003