In Julian's absense, his column this week was written by Francine Clee...

Intercepted mail... from Mrs Neil Hamilton to Mrs Charles Ingram

"Dear Diana

I realise this is a difficult time for you, what with the court case, the television programmes and all that horrid publicity.

Still, I hope you don't mind a little well-meant advice from someone who knows exactly what you're going through, not just now, but in life.

When you choose beauty over brains like we did, marrying poor Neil and little Charles, you have to think for two, and that can be hell on your looks.

Darling, I'm worried about the hair. Are you really auditioning for Lady Macbeth at the RSC ? If not, for God's sake get yourself a decent do. A few highlights would be a start, and going blonde can take years off your face. I should know!

If you need a recommendation, my stylist Trevor is a marvel with peroxide, and what he doesn't know about flattering your skintone is simply not worth knowing.

I'd hate you to think I'm being too presumptuous... and I've always flattered myself on my insight.

But if by any chance you really ARE auditioning for Lady Macbeth, you can just bear my advice in mind for later.

I suppose with your debts you could do with the money you would get from The Scottish Play (better not name it; you need all the luck you can get!)

Let me tell you, however, there are lots of easier ways to rake in the readies... especially since you obviously like the limelight.

Have you thought of trying for a stint on Have I Got News For You? You wouldn't need Charles or Tecwen to help you answer the questions; I'm sure Paul and Ian would be only too pleased to cough up a bit of help. They were perfectly sweet to me, anyway.

And I'm sure that lovely young man Louis Theroux would be only too pleased to pop round and see you for a while. He's fabulous company - and just between you and me, he's not a bad kisser either. You could do a lot worse.. .actually, you probably already have.

D'you know, I've just had the most wonderful idea! Unfortunately, you're too late for it this time round. Toyah Willcox and her mates have beaten you to it, but I'm sure there'd be no harm in putting your name down early for next year's I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!. You could be the first couple on the show.

With Charles' Army background, I'm sure he'd be a dab hand at putting up a tent and cooking on an open fire.

He's got to be good at something, surely...although I have to admit I'm still searching for Neil's unique talent.

Another plus point for you - with all that beasty humble pie you've had to eat so publicly in the last few weeks, you'd have no trouble swallowing some of the nasties they serve you up for dinner in the jungle.

Best of all, darling, there's almost no opportunity for cheating. You'd be well out of harm's way!

If all else fails, my love, you could do worse than put Charles into politics. He's got a nice smile, appears to do what he's told, and with all the fibbers and fiddlers in the House of Commons, he would fit right in.

You would have to do something with the hair then, though. If you can't bring yourself to try a Maggie hairdo like mine, for God's sake at least avoid a Cherie. Just look at the press that poor woman gets.

Look after yourself, darling - I'm sure you will.

Love always

Christine"

Updated: 12:26 Thursday, April 24, 2003