Clamp collector

When checking through her stock, her eyes lit upon strange items she didn't expect to find in a shop more accustomed to specialising in groceries, gifts, jars of home-made jam or providing pots of tea and scones to weary ramblers and cyclists.

But there they were - a plentiful supply of woodworkers' G-clamps!

"It did seem a bit odd" says Pam. "G-clamps are not really the sort of thing my usual customers are likely to pop in for!"

So, if you are a DIY enthusiast, and fancy a day out in the country this Easter, well, Pam could have a treat in store for you.

Pam says if you buy all the clamps she may cut a deal for you.

From this weekend the Stores will be featuring the work of local craftsmen and women in the old barn at the back.

Meanwhile, it's a pot of tea for two with four G-clamps, please.

At the York and District Association of Auctioneers, Valuers and Estate Agents try saying that after six dry sherries annual dinner in the Company of Merchant Taylors Hall, Aldwark, the toastmaster was that veteran of the circuit, Alfred Wilson.

The guests were running a sweep on how long the guest speaker would take.

So they asked Alfred's opinion.

"Depends on whether he stutters or not," said Alfred.

How would you know if the audience was getting bored with your speech he was asked.

"It's not too bad when they are looking at their watches - it's when they are shaking them you've got to worry."

The best story of the night came from after-dinner speaker, former Yorkshire and MCC fast bowler Mike Cowan.

He told of how on tour once, he had to share a bed with the legendary Fred Trueman because no other rooms were available.

Fred had his usual 15 pints and three vindaloo curries and then told the young Cowan "time for some kip".

What to do? Fred stripped down to his undies and collapsed straight into bed.

Cowan went to the bathroom, had a shower, put on lots of talc and aftershave and a pair of black silk pyjamas.

He waltzed across the room, kissed Fred on the cheek, patted his bottom and climbed into bed.

"I had a reet good night's kip, but Fred never slept a wink," said Mike.

Owzat?

u CONGRATULATIONS to Big Ian Donaghy and his wife Emma on the birth of Annie Rae who weighed in at 8lb 14oz... only a fortnight late last Wednesday.

Big Ian, teacher and lead singer with York's celebrated party band, Huge - the crew who do so much for charity - can expect some late nights and early mornings and I'm not talking about post-gig blow-outs.

PUSH the little Red Boat out for an hour this weekend and take a good look at the changing face of York from the Ouse.

I did it last weekend and was amazed at the changes when viewed from the river.

The Ouse is York's thread of history linking the city to the North Sea and by gently putt-putting up the river to Clifton Bridge then down again to the Millennium Bridge you get a different perspective of recent riverside changes to this vibrant city of ours.

At up to £30 for a party of eight you can carry on cruising away from the hustle, bustle and tourists sampling other delights in the city. Half-hour hires are also available.

Take a picnic and chill out...

IT must have been a laugh-a-minute to work for the old York Tourist Information Centre in York's De Grey Rooms before it went out to public tender, if these inquiries from the public are anything to go by...

I've been invited to a party at the "bondage" whorehouse. Could you send me some information on accommodation so we can make a weekend of it?

Hi, I'm in York at the moment but I want to go to Scotland for two nights. Can you recommend a nice village in Scotland that's not too far from here?

Does the York visitor guide cover Chester as well?

Is it true that parts of York are quite old?

Give me names and telephone numbers of accommodation between York and Manchester.

I've just phoned up the Moat House in Glasgow for accommodation, but they didn't have any. Could you recommend some decent hotels in Glasgow? Hello, I need help, I've got pigeons eating my bedding plants, what can you do about it?

What were the first words Dick Turpin spoke when coming into York?

Do you know a place in Harlow, Essex, where I can book a coach trip to the Dales?

Fax me a list of farm-houses on the outskirts of Inverness.

Can you send me a list of public toilets from York to Whitby?

I want a small B&B - one with just two rooms in it.

I'm coming up to York in a few days, are there many Yanks about?

Can you tell me if there are dinosaurs around York?

You know York Christmas fair? Will there be a cheese stall and will it sell Haloumi cheese?

I want to send my husband a get well card, could you tell me which ward he is on?

Can you tell me how long it takes to drive from Prague to York in a 15-seater bus on a Sunday?

We've got a blocked drain down here. Can you send someone to fix it?

Where can I pick my own Christmas tree?

Can you give me the name of a B&B that takes lesbians and animals, my parrot?

Where in York can I have my nipples pierced?

I was told Dracula died in York, where is his grave?

Do you have any strip joints in York - you know - clubs where you can sit down and...

Where is the Merchant Sailors Hall?

Is the Tyne Tunnel closed on a Sunday?

Caller: Do you have a red light or sex district in York?

Reply: What are you looking for?

Caller: Well, a shop, actually. I wondered if you knew of anywhere I could rent a woman?

Reply: No, I don't!

Caller: Bye, then.

...Many thanks to Ian Hartas, who drives a sight-seeing bus around York, for these rib-tickling bits of information.

"Open the packet. Eat nuts" - instructions on a complimentary bag of airline peanuts.

Updated: 09:54 Saturday, April 19, 2003