LOSING a child devastates most families. One year on, the parents of murdered York backpacker, Caroline Stuttle, tell MATTHEW WOODCOCK how they are trying to rebuild their lives.

'THE last year has been like trying to wake up from your worst nightmare, but realising you can never wake up. When I last saw her before she went to Australia she was happy and glowing. I hugged her and told her to have a wonderful time.

"The next time I saw her was in the morgue at York Hospital - dead and bloodied.

"I held her hand which was freezing cold and like wax and saw half of myself lying there.

"If there is such a place as heaven I would tell St Peter at the gates that I have already been to hell. Nothing else could hurt me so much."

These are the heart-wrenching words of Alan Stuttle, father of York backpacker Caroline, who was murdered in Bundaberg, Australia, a year ago today, for nothing more than her mobile phone and handbag.

For him, and his ex-wife Marjorie, it has been an unimaginable 12 months trying to come to terms with what must be every parent's worst nightmare. But both remain determined to salvage something positive out of their despair.

Their 19-year-old daughter, who was on a gap year after studying for her A-levels, had walked to a road bridge in the town, 200 miles north of Brisbane, from a nearby caravan park. She wanted to call her boyfriend in the UK from a phone box.

Police say at some point after 9.15pm she was robbed and thrown from the 65ft-high bridge, suffering fatal head and spinal injuries.

Screams were heard in the area shortly after Caroline telephoned a travelling companion to say she was heading back. Until then, the former Huntington School pupil had been enjoying the adventure of a lifetime with her best friend, Sarah Holiday, 19, from Huntington.

The pair were in Bundaberg to earn money picking tomatoes and had already been to Sydney and learned to surf.

They planned to travel on to New Zealand and Fiji before finishing the trip in Los Angeles.

Ian Douglas Previte, a 30-year-old Australian, has been charged with Caroline's murder after painstaking work by Queensland detectives, which included mass DNA testing.

The impending court case is likely to be scheduled for next year, but both Alan and Marjorie say it would be too painful to attend.

Alan, a respected artist who splits his time between galleries in York and Scarborough, flew out to Bundaberg in July with his son Richard, to see the murder scene for himself.

A simple shrine with a plaque engraved with the former York College student's name now marks the spot.

"The bridge did not feel like an evil place, but really quite beautiful," he says. "It was important that I faced it and saw what she saw. I can understand why she was so enamoured with going to Australia."

The 64-year-old kept a diary to record his feelings in the 100 days after Caroline's murder, to help with the healing process."I felt it was important to write my feelings down," he explains.

"It may be useful to other parents coming to terms with the loss of their children."

Marjorie, who is spending today at home in Pocklington with her partner David Marks and son Richard, was inspired to devote her life to helping others just days after Caroline's murder.

"I don't remember much about the day," she says. "The police arrived in the early hours to tell me what had happened and I went hysterical. My friends came round and we all cried together. A few days later we were talking about Caroline's love of rainbows and about how it happened and what we could do."

The result has been the launch of Caroline's Rainbow Foundation, which has just received charitable status. It aims is to help other backpackers who get into trouble, for example by running a 24-hour helpline and providing a night's accommodation to someone who has been mugged.

Thousands of pounds have already been raised after numerous fundraising activities in the city.

"I've been numb throughout the last year," says Marjorie. "Starting up the Rainbow Foundation and helping others is a way to help ease my grief.

"Caroline touched so many lives. She was always so bright and cheerful. I know it's what she would have wanted."

Alan, too, has been inspired by Caroline's memory and plans to follow his dreams of travel. His gallery in Micklegate, York, will trade its last painting later this month as he sells off the premises to travel the world.

"I want to go and paint the seven wonders of the world," he says. "It's something completely different that I never would have done otherwise.

"It doesn't matter what age you are - it's important to have dreams."

On his return, Alan plans to launch a trust fund to offer financial support for young people wanting to travel.

"Something has certainly changed within me," he says.

"A year on and it has made me appreciate people and life more.

"I'm much more aware of looking at things through Caroline's eyes."

Alan hopes other parents won't be put off from letting their children see the world by what has happened. "You've got to let them fly," he says, "You can't keep them with you."

To contact Caroline's Rainbow Foundation write to: PO Box 216, York, YO42 4WZ, or ring 01759 304425

Updated: 11:13 Thursday, April 10, 2003