Bomb alert such a fag

But when a packet landed in our newsroom with sinister looking wires and batteries sticking out of it, we were half a tab away from a full scale security alert.

One of our scribes rang NiQuitin, before ringing the bomb squad, to find it was a harmless sound box.

Spokeswoman Robin Bishop said: "It was supposed to play part of the song I've Got The Power, featured on the TV ad.

"We thought it was a nice gimmick, a way of raising awareness of No Smoking Day on March 12 and encouraging people to give up.

"We sent out 50. Unfortunately yours is the only one that doesn't seem to have worked. We will review how such items may be misinterpreted by third parties."

If the fags don't get you... the stress will.

Sports writer Tony Curtis was "over the moon" when he came out of the T-Mobile shop on York's Coney Street about ten days ago clutching his new £60 mobile. Now he's as "sick as a parrot."

He couldn't wait to use its picture-messaging feature.

Sceptical about the price to send these picture messages and the fact not many people have these phones, he was reassured after being told he could send the pictures even if his friends didn't have a compatible mobile - they would receive a text message telling them where to view the images on the Internet.

Fantastic, he thought. He went to Kent for a few days and decided to take a few pictures of his family and send them to his girlfriend back in York.

He followed all the instructions but could not send the pictures.

On his return to York, he rang T-Mobile customer services and spoke to Vicky only to be told his contract didn't include the picture messaging facility. Helpful Vicky advised him to take the phone back.

He didn't want to because he had programmed so much detail into it. He asked to speak to a manager and was told someone would ring him. Five minutes later the phone rang and he answered it.

"Good morning, sports desk, Tony speaking" he said.

It was helpful Vicky saying she had a "customer whinging" about a phone he had bought who was not happy about not being able to use the picture messaging facility.

Oops!

She said the customer Tony had been told "a million times" he couldn't use it on his contract and she wanted to know what to do about him.

After letting Vicky go on for a few minutes, he thought ought to let her know he was that "whinging customer"... at which point the penny dropped, along with Vicky's jaw, no doubt.

Suddenly she became the nicest person in the world, but still couldn't offer a solution. Vicky had obviously dialled the wrong number when she rang Tony about the "whinging customer."

He has since had three separate apologies from staff at T-Mobile's customer service centre but he is still not "in the picture".

Paula Pickles, manageress of T-Mobile in York, assured me she will sort out Tony's problem if he pops into the shop.

It may mean him upgrading his tariff contract to use picture-messaging.

So stand by your mobile for updates...

I ALWAYS thought judges were past masters at long lunch hours and short working days.

But at York Crown Court, Judge John Swanson kept his nose so hard to the grindstone, the court staff had to work in relays to keep up with him.

The legal beagle started his day in court at 10.30am and by 12.50pm had despatched three scallywags to the cells. Time for a well-earned rest?

Not a bit of it.

The iron man in legal robes announced he was foregoing lunch and while his judicial colleague in court one was taking a respectable 75-minute break with refreshments, Judge Swanson consigned three more miscreants to the bulging dungeons below.

He did rise briefly at 1.55pm but within minutes was back in court, alert and ready to welcome a jury who had enjoyed the morning off. He was still at it by 4.30pm, apparently oblivious to his lack of food even though everyone else was collapsing.

The court staff spelled each other so at least they had something to eat.

No doubt the sad six now rattling prison bars would like to see a mandatory restriction on judges' working hours.

MPs are isolated from the real world when taking part in a House of Commons debate. There are no TV screens or mobile phones allowed - just pagers with orders from party managers.

So, when snippets of interesting information do reach their ears, they have to find ingenious ways of passing them on to colleagues.

On Tuesday, March 4, during a heavy debate on the Communications Bill, Ryedale MP John Greenway gave a master class.

Rising to his feet, the Tory Shadow Minister for Sport said: "While we have been debating these important matters, I understand that Nasser Hussain, the England cricket captain, has resigned following a no result in the Zimbabwe-Pakistan cricket match, and that England are eliminated from the World Cup.

"I hope that, on some future occasion, we might have the opportunity in Government time to debate the issue."

The request for a debate raised no response from the Speaker, but it did not have to.

Mr Greenway had done his job by passing on news of yet another disastrous England defeat.

Owzat for cheek?

The dateline on the last page of the four-page Sunday Message, published by the Roman Catholic Diocese of Middlesbrough which lists events in our area, made something of an ecclesiastical bloomer in its last edition.

It is printed as: "9 March 2003 First Sinday of Lent...

In God we trust... but we are not so sure about proof-readers.

Updated: 09:33 Saturday, March 15, 2003