No trains today, Ray

But Ray Price should have known... he is the managing director of Arriva Northern trains! And last Saturday morning was train-less because of ongoing trackwork. His company had gone to great lengths to alert the travelling public well in advance.

As everyone and his dog knew, passengers were being bussed between York and Newcastle.

Price made a hasty call to York on his mobile and you can imagine the howls of laughter in "mission control" when they told him about the major trackwork that has been disrupting passengers' lives on the East Coast main line for the last few weeks.

Posters had been plastered all over stations on the route, local media alerted to the work and here's Arriva's top banana asking why no trains?

For two days I tried to speak to Mr Price about his gaffe and found myself talking to call centres in Cheshire, Birmingham, Liverpool and Sunderland!

Considering Mr Price is based in York I could have opened a window here and shouted my query across the Ouse.

Yesterday morning I got a call from Arriva Northern's director of corporate affairs, Julian Evans, who proceeded to flim-flam me with guff about Price's gaffe.

"Mr Price is very busy at the moment and cannot speak to you himself," he smarmed.

When I mentioned the delicious irony of the boss not knowing why the trains were not running last Saturday morning, he at least agreed, shrugging it off with more corporate-speak such as "Mr Price is a very focused man. He was on autopilot when he got to the station.

"But yes, he had forgotten about the trackwork arrangements. But anyone can make a mistake."

Too true, Julian.

But Price's mistake was featured on the Internet by Arriva Northern mole Demic, the dirt-digger who has been listing the company's cock-ups on his top secret, for-everyone's-eyes-only website since the conductors' strikes began last year.

His website states: "Posters about the major engineering work have appeared all over the network, emergency bus timetables printed, and advertising has been taken out to try to minimise the effect on passengers."

Price is reported to have "got out his mobile and phoned the hard-pressed staff at Arriva's Service Delivery Centre in York to ask what the problem was" when he couldn't get his train to York.

"With a man like that at the helm, no wonder the company is doing so well," sneered the mole.

Since Demic's Diary started on the net, the Arriva management has been trying to track him down, but have so far drawn a blank.

No wonder, when the boss doesn't even know when his trains are running.

Demic says he always double checks any gossip from another source and is extra careful not to report duff info fed to him by top bananas to lure him into a trap, expose his true identity and get the bullet from the company.

"I am very careful..." he tells me.

He is certainly cheeky: he even uses his boss's name - Ray Price - in his website details.

Demic is truly a demon mole. Long may he cause tremors in the corridors of power as he tunnels away.

- TWO $1,000 cheques fluttered on to my shagpile when I opened one of my three Christmas cards just before the festivities kicked off. Sadly, the card wasn't for me and neither were the cheques, but the postie had dropped them through my letterbox because the address on the envelope looked like mine.

For more than two weeks, I tried to track down the real recipient... Caroline Pye.

My illustrious forbear would be spinning on his gibbet at the thought of Dick Turpin giving money back... £734 in all, in our dosh.

One $1,000 cheque was for Caroline, a 34-year-old personal assistant with GNER at Doncaster, the other for her partner Frank Haffey, 38, son of former Celtic goalkeeper Frank (Nine Past) Haffey. Frank the younger now works in retail in York.

The cheques had been sent by Caroline's 35-year-old chartered accountant brother John from Sydney.

Caroline's cheque was probably the same one John had sent to his sister back in August as a birthday present but had been returned to him with "not known at this address" written on the envelope.

Caroline and Frank were delighted to get their Christmas presents from Oz at last, and even more thrilled because brother John was in York on a brief, post Christmas visit after a skiing holiday in the French Alps and could witness the handover.

For me, it was great to play Santa Claus even if it was a bit late.

- SEEMS as if I'm flavour of the month this week.

If you want to know all about me, here's your chance.

Dick Turpin is the big talking point at the Yorkshire Architectural and York Archaeological Society's January lecture.

Professor Jim Sharpe was to have revealed all last Wednesday but couldn't, "due to unforeseen circumstances".

He probably got held up somewhere...

His Dick Turpin lecture has now been rescheduled for next Wednesday at 7.30pm in the Friends Meeting House.

I used to be a right scallywag in those days, you know. None of this handing money back.

- HANG it all! What are those people at York Dungeon doing to me?

As if hanging me at least 35 times a day were not enough, now they are selling T-shirts at £10 a time bearing the legend "I've seen Dick Turpin well hung".

Wish it were true, of course. Seems their marketing people have all D-angles covered. And the shirts are selling well.

I'm in for some stick down the Waggon tonight!

- A MOMENT of silent rejoicing, please. On this day in 1892 Oliver Norvell Hardy of Laurel and Hardy fame was born in Harlem, Georgia, USA. The fat half of the greatest double-act of all time, Ollie died on Agust 7, 1957, after a heart attack.

Updated: 12:29 Saturday, January 18, 2003