Evening Press competition winner Nellie Tierney of Acomb is a game gal, but even she wasn't prepared to jump to it when she received her prize.

Her tasty recipe for Tipsy Bread and Butter Pudding won her and her husband of 50 years an all-expenses-paid weekend at a luxury Birmingham hotel, tickets to the Food and Drink Show and pride of place as Miss February in the Warburton's cooks calendar.

But it was the final part of her prize package - a hamper - that really made her 76-year-old heart skip a beat.

"I was expecting a treasure chest of food and drink," said our bemused winner. "But what I got were two plates, two cereal bowls, one egg cup and... a skipping rope!

"Do you think the bread baron was trying to tell me something?"

Apparently she was also promised some free loaves but they haven't arrived yet.

So has she taken up skipping again while she's waiting for the bread?

Not on your nellie...

LET'S have a pop at the politicians starting with a rocket for Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon who does not have a mind of his own.

He generously took a detour from his world tour this week to put Yorkshire doubters straight on the benefits of painting a giant bullseye on RAF Fylingdales.

While he was at the Evening Press (or Yorkshire Evening News as he likes to call it, right on the button is Geoff), Mr Hoon was asked for his personal view on missile defence.

"Ministers don't have personal views. If they do, they're suppressed ruthlessly," he said, before adding ruefully: "Well, that'll get me into trouble."

Now we zero in on John Prescott's department, the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister, which has signed up to the Plain English Campaign.

Considering Prescott's unique interpretation of our language, it is not before time.

To illustrate his way with words one national newspaper compiled a top ten of Prezza's prose.

At number two was this gem: "The city of York already is a city, as is my own city of Hull is a city, and that I think is the definition of city and town."

That's Johnny Two Jags keeping it plain and simple. He makes the master of gibberish, Stanley Unwin, sound sensible.

Nick Sanderson wrote "as a long-standing supporter of York City FC, I wonder if any of your readers could confirm the legitimacy of the bylaw allowing natural-born citizens of York to shoot any Scotsman found within the city walls with a bow and arrow?"

After some research I came up with this.

In A History of the City of York Charles Brunton Knight writes:

"At the beginning of the century, in 1419, the York council resolved that no Scotsman, whatever his status, was to occupy any position as searcher or constable, or hold any official rank, high or low, in the city.

"Scotsmen were forbidden to enter the Common Hall or any other place in the city where secret counsel or any city business could be overheard. They were not to hold meetings, or to sit on assizes, or to be empanelled as jurymen, for any cause whatever; but were to be excluded from every office, for ever more. Dr Maud Sellers says that the commonalty ratified this edict with enthusiasm.

"There were also several cases of people taking up offices in the city suing people for slander 'of a most offensive kind' when accused of being a Scot."

I WAS sitting in the Little John in York's Clifford Street just opposite the Jobless Centre when I overheard two blokes banging on about the genuine misery of being out of work.

They went on about benefits, making ends meet and why New Labour is so out of touch with the plight of those on the dole as I nodded surreptitiously into my pint, earwigging all the while.

After a while, Jobless One had obviously had enough of Jobless Two's unremitting gloom and tried to lighten the conversation with: "Anyway, enough of that, how's your sex life?"

Jobless Two: "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

Jobless One: "Social Security sex?"

Jobless Two: "Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Keep your peckers up lads, things can only get better... according to Tony Blah.

ON this day 434 years ago England's first lottery was held. Tickets could be bought from the West Door of London's St Paul's Cathedral. I should know, I've still got a losing ticket. Couldn't even win ten groats for three numbers.

This will come as no surprise to my syndicate of serving wench Geri and ye olde worlde plumber to the gentry, Baz.

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results - not from the York area, I hasten to add. But the 16 year olds' answers are all pukka.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head

They'd say to me: 'Why are you hittin' us with this dude's rubbish when he's been dead 300 years? - Actress Jenny Agutter describing how pupils at a Los Angeles school reacted at first when she read Shakespeare to them

Updated: 13:16 Saturday, January 11, 2003