Diminutive BBC Radio York presenter Elly Fiorentini was crippled when she wore high heels to hobble to a posh event at the National Railway Museum, York. So she ended up thumbing a lift in the city's civic limo, DN 1.

Elly, who measures up at 5ft 4in soaking wet and hates to feel small, could not face the hike back to the BBC headquarters in Bootham Row and was considering catching the little road train when her acquaintances spotted the Lord Mayor's chauffeur-driven car parked nearby.

"Ask the Lord Mayor for a lift back," jeered her pals.

She was too embarrassed to ask but others weren't and Lord Mayor David Horton obliged.

The two of them drove off in style, Elly giving the royal wave and quipping to an Evening Press observer: "And don't put this in your Dick Turpin column!"

Virgin chief Sir Richard Branson was at the same event helping to launch a tourism campaign for York and showing off one of his super, multi-million pound Voyager trains.

Above the museum floated a giant Virgin hot-air balloon, and one wag - a guest from a rival rail company - was heard to whisper: "You've got to admit Branson's got style. When our trains break down we provide buses for passengers. He obviously provides balloons."

Sir Richard lived up to his fun reputation when he gyrated on stage with a local troupe of dancers to the Sixties song, Stay Just A Little Bit Longer.

It was obviously unscripted at the end of the routine when Mr Branson picked up a mini-skirted young lady and carried her upside down off stage with her bottom to the audience. The embarrassed girl was reported to have commented afterwards: "I'd have worn knickers if I'd known he was going to do that." Instead the lass was wearing one of these new-fangled thong things.

STILL on the trains, we all knew York-based Arriva Trains Northern had been going through a rough patch and had suffered a severe shortage of drivers.

But in a press release announcing the White Rose Awards for Tourism, the Yorkshire Tourist Board revealed that one of its major sponsors was Arriva Trains Northern. Surely things cannot be that bad. Arriva-derci, Yorkshire?

What on earth would the Germans make of the excruciatingly-embarrassing Yorkshire song, On Ilkey Moor Bah Tat?

And what has it got to do with York? We'll never know if alcohol was involved, but the Lord Mayor of York, Coun David Horton, and his party got up and gave a brave rendition in Munster recently.

It was during an official dinner on the last evening of a trip to our twin town by a civic party representing York.

We have only the lord mayor's word for it that it "went down pretty well" but it could have been worse, they could have chosen the Birdie Song.

TWO big lamp-posts less than two feet apart have been amusing the good people of George Street and various passers-by.

One works, one doesn't. Why?

A spokesman for City of York Council told me: "We are delighted to be able to, ahem, throw some light on this matter. The council has one of the best street lighting records in the country with a figure of just 0.5 per cent out of action at any one time compared to a national average of 1.3 per cent. (Strike a light! Yawn, yawn!)

"To achieve this we work very closely with organisations such as Northern Electric to ensure any failures or other problems are dealt with smoothly and effectively. In this case the old column at George Street was deemed to be in need of replacement and rather than remove it and leave part of the street unlit we have a renewal policy which means that a new column should be installed and up and running before the old one is removed."

And I thought having two together was the council's thoughtful way of one lamp-post lightening the load for the other...

I shall be watching closely to see how long it is before the knackered lamp-post is taken out.

THE lavatorial habits of Brits tell a lot about where they come from, according to a new survey commissioned by laxative maker, Dulco-lax.

Southerners are less fussy about whose loo they use, compared with their shyer counterparts - Northerners and Midlanders.

Midlanders are less likely to use a public toilet than any other region. Seventy per cent of Northerners aren't happy to use the loo at work.

Only 37 per cent of Midlanders are happy to use the loo at work.

They are the most likely region to say "can't go" when constipated. Northerners are likely to say they're "bunged up".

And 60 per cent of Southerners are happy to use the loo at work, a friend's house or in a public place.

When constipated, Southerners just say they're "constipated".

It seems Midlanders and Southerners know the most about constipation - and Northerners know the least.

And 65 per cent of Midlanders know that not eating enough fibre could cause constipation. Whereas Northerners are the least likely to recognise any of the three main causes of constipation: a lack of fibre, fluids or exercise. Not surprising then that Northerners are the most likely to suffer from constipation.

But there's no need for anyone to be laxadaisical...

Updated: 08:30 Saturday, October 12, 2002