GIVE yourself a few deep breaths of moorland air and help charities at the same time. Phil Hopkinson is having a book signing in his shop, Aidensfield Stores, Goathland, on Tuesday at 4pm which will feature guest appearances of Heartbeat's Tricia Penrose, who plays Gina Ward, and Derek Fowlds, who portrays Oscar Blaketon in the popular television series.

They will be signing copies of Ten Years Of Heartbeat and for each copy sold, £1 will be given to the charity of their choice.

Also for sale will be one copy signed by all the members of the present Heartbeat cast, which will cost £250.

The proceeds for this will be divided between Children In Need and Children's Wish, two charities which Ryedale Round Table, of which Phil is a member, are supporting this year.

For more info, or to reserve a copy of the new Heartbeat book, ring Phil on 01947 896428.

- THE Football League says it will be closely monitoring York City's proposal to play canned cheers and roars to boost the atmosphere at Bootham Crescent.

Whatever next?

If the club is that desperate to get bums on seats and feet in the stands why doesn't it buy 6,000 inflatable dolls and have them decked out in City's colours - shorts, shirts, socks, bobble-hats and scarves - to help swell the ground's 9,496 capacity?

And who would blow up these pneumatic fans?

Batchelor-boy John, of course, the club's moneyed mouthpiece and chairman - the man with ideas he hasn't even thought of yet!

- GOT what it takes to hold an audience for 20 minutes?

If you've got rhythm and a voice, get along to the all-new open-mike session at the Junction in York's Leeman Road tomorrow at 8pm.

Elvis impersonator and Monster Raving Loony big cheese, Eddie Vee rang me to alert all you wannabes to a great night out.

"We are looking for new talent who can do more than just belt out a karaoke number. We want talented singers who can provide their own backing, tapes or live music and put to together a sustained mini-show," Eddie says.

"Agents may well be in the audience and, who knows, open-mike night could open doors to fame and fortune."

You've got nothing to lose but your anonymity... give it rice!

- IS there something spooky going on at York District Hospital? My special agent, Fox Mulder, tells me that weirdness is afoot with the hospital's telephone lines. Your average caller to a hospital mayt not mind being put on hold for a moment or two, but they might expect a little soothing music. Perhaps some Kenny G saxophony, or the lilting grace of Dido (whose album, incidentally, is on the Evening Press hold machine).

What do they get at YDH? The theme from The X-Files.

For those not in the know, it's one of the spookiest pieces of music ever recorded.

Determined to find out why they would select such a dismal tune, I spoke to a nurse known as Scully, who told me: "I'm sorry, that's classified."

The truth is out there...

- Walmgate newsagent Slah has had it up to... ear.

Assured by his Turkish friend that he should experience having his lug-hair burnt off using a traditional grooming method, he reluctantly agreed.

He sat back, closed his eyes and was told to relax while his Turkish buddy went to work with the burning taper.

Unfortunately something went wrong and his ear caught fire much to the amusement of everyone who was watching the demo.

The huge red sore on Slah's lobe has just about healed but he still has a red face. His screams could be heard in Istanbul.

- FRANK Buckle, of Fulford, York, sent me this "condolence" letter: 'I was so sorry to read of the sad demise of Boots, your feline friend from the Waggon and Horses, while crossing Lawrence Street. It is certainly hazardous crossing the road these days. Incidentally did you hear the tale of the rabbit and hedgehog?

The hedgehog said: "How is it that you and your friends always seem to cross the road safely while hedgehogs are always getting killed"?

The rabbit replied: "When you are crossing the road and see a car coming, lie down flat in the middle of the road and the vehicle will pass harmlessly over you."

"Thank you," said the hedgehog. "I'll remember that." So next time he had to cross he did as the rabbit advised and, as a car was coming, lay down flat in the middle of the road.

Alas! The poor hedgehog was run over and killed.

"Well! said the rabbit, you don't see many Reliant Robins these days, do you?'

- HILARIOUS recorded telephone conversations:

Samsung electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."

Caller: "On page one, section five, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."

RAC motoring services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?".

Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory inquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please."

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."

These are from York-born, Midlands-based Annie Wright, who now signs off with "Birmingham, England, Home Of The Great British Earthquake.

Updated: 09:30 Saturday, September 28, 2002