THEY may stand little or no chance of ever taking the keys to Downing Street, but it is impossible not to love the Liberal Democrats. And on Tuesday afternoon they reminded us just why the world of politics would be a much duller place without them.

It was not the party's MPs who were making us smile, though. They were sober-suited in the House of Commons, explaining why they have such grave doubts about a military attack on Iraq. Instead it was the party's rank-and-file members who were putting on a show down the road in Brighton. A hardcore pornography show, to be precise.

The bottom-line was a motion to make porn depicting "legal acts between consenting adults" available to anyone aged 16 or over, and both sides made valid points on that most favourite of Lib Dem topics - individual liberty. But there were also bits which, to borrow a much-used phrase, you couldn't make up.

The sight of the poor sign language man on the corner of the stage trying to get to grips with "spice up their sex lives with pornography" was painful enough. But it was soon topped when, in front of a stunned conference hall, Julia Gash took the stage. As blinking journalists checked the spelling of her name, she announced she ran a sex shop in Sheffield.

Her argument for legalising hardcore? No one had put it better than country singer Shania Twain, she said. "The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun."

The Lib Dems clapped furiously as she left the stage - but the next speaker wasn't smiling. He thought hardcore porn was most definitely a bad thing and could lead to an increase in sex crimes.

His name? Councillor Butt. In a wonderful piece of John Prescott oratory prose he explained his fears as follows: "The youngsters under 16 are abusing the pavement. It is a rollercoaster chicken and egg situation."

The proposal was ultimately kicked into the long grass, and will be refined by the party's Federal Policy Committee before making a reappearance at next year's conference.

The party's student wing, who had drawn up the proposal, were gutted. But everyone else was delighted. Only 12 more months until the show is back on the road.

There was some consolation for delegates unhappy they could not leave Brighton with a bundle of hardcore porn tucked under their arm, however.

Lots of "freebies".

A man in a full-sized cat costume who called himself Colin scoured the conference centre looking for anything that was being given away by lobbyists and trade unions.

Then the ever-helpful Lib Dems published a list of where the best free booty was available in their daily conference newsletter, the Brighton Gazette.

Colin, who also wore his costume in the debating hall, wrote: "The best freebie has to be RNID's hearing check, why not go over and see them and have your hearing checked out.

"Other contenders are RNIB's Optrex and Braille alphabet card and Shaw's caricatures.

"There is, of course, the usual assortment of pens and sweets - though be careful of the Refreshers being given away. I busted a fang on one! Miaow!"

Other items on offer, Colin pointed out, included a stress buster from the Local Government Association, a key-ring from the Police Federation, a mouse mat and Postits from the Royal College of Nursing, yellow clipboards from UNISON and an umbrella from Bloomberg. Pink puppies from Cancer Research UK, cuddly foxes from the League Against Cruel Sports and "loads of little animals that vibrate" from the RSPCA also caught the cat's eye. But they came with a stiff warning to thrifty Liberals: "Donations needed".

Updated: 10:42 Friday, September 27, 2002