Scores of wannabess thronged to the auditions for the York Theatre Royal pantomime, Babbies In The Wood. It was a tough test for the kids seeking fame. They bellowed out a few verses from Bob The Builder and Doh A Deer from The Sound Of Music and strutted their stuff before the judges.

But who was that balding geezer sitting on his own keenly watching every move and listening to every off-key note?

Theatre Royal artistic director Damian Cruden apparently asked the children, aged between eight and 11, if they knew who it was.

When they weren't very forthcoming, the mystery man replied: "I'm Tom Cruise."

Well, we have news for you, kids: Oh, no, he isn't!

The cheeky-chappy was none other than Berwick Kaler, star and writer of the panto and a legend in his own lifetime, who looks just a little different when he is out of those extraordinary costumes (and wigs) that are a feature of the Christmas show.

But his razor-sharp wit may have caused a little confusion.

We could not help thinking that a lot of the would-be babbies might have told their parents that it was Hollywood pin-up Tom who had watched them being put through their paces.

Eeh, Berwick, what are you like?

You look nothing like Tom Cruise... but he looks like you!

IT'S the big match tomorrow. No not one of the two live Premiership games on TV, I mean its York's own "Straight Arrow" Mark Hartley against the cream of the country's dart-throwers in the British Darts Open at Liverpool's Adelphi Hotel.

Top prize money is £2,500 and if Cygnet pub player Mark is anywhere near the form he showed in practice at the Phoenix Inn in George Street the other evening it will be a stroll in the park. I watched him throw six maximums -180 - in less than the time it took me to drink a pint of foaming.

Mark, 36, clinched the title of York John Smith's Men's League individual champion last week beating Chris Thompson, of Sun Inn, Acomb, York, in a thrilling finish during which he threw 17 "tons". Look out Liverpool, "Straight Arrow" Hartley is heading your way. "This is my first full season," the Stamford Bridge plastics worker Mark told me.

"I'm in the British for the experience and to see how far I can get. I think I have a good chance."

Mark is going to Liverpool with brother Jason early for the noon "kick off" to "get some practice in". Good luck Straight Arrow, give it some wellie and take flight into the big time.

The question is: which footballer captained and managed his club side, played for England and played against England?

See bottom of page for answer.

"Will someone please listen to me?" was the plaintive plea in the august surroundings of York Crown Court

No, this was not a defendant in distress, this was no less than His Honour Judge Trevor Kent Jones.

The learned judge had just decided he hadn't used the right phrases when sentencing the last defendant. So he began a pronouncement from the bench.

But no one was listening.

The barristers and everyone else involved in the case had already left court those still there were sorting out a couple of matters concerning the next case while the next defendant was being brought up from the cells.

However, the judge's purple and red robes do convey certain privileges. His Honour had the barristers of the previous case recalled to court where they solemnly listened to him rearranging the words of his last sentencing.

Good to see that Marks & Spencer's ensures its staff and customers obey the law. A notice in its Coppergate store in York clearly states that it is illegal to buy a video if you are younger than its classification.

But someone really ought to tell them that even babies in prams can buy U-classification videos.

The notice was prominently displayed on a rack of exclusively children's videos including Percy The Park-keeper, Bob The Builder and similar racy titles.

Mum's the word, kids.

PASSING my grave in St George's Cemetery, York, the other day I spotted what I thought was another red rose propped against my headstone.

It wasn't a red rose, it was a red cross from the Jesus Army. On the back it had their telephone. I would have rang them, but I don't have a mobile.

It's still switched on, but out of action.

It is buried 6ft under with John Palmer, my alter ego.

A worldwide survey has been conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a monumental failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Updated: 14:19 Friday, September 20, 2002