TWO into one will go... but it can be a bit sweaty. One of my two sources - HP, not Heinz - tells me that York City Soccer Club, not good old fashioned football club as in days of yore and mine, are riding high in Division Three after almost going bust last season.

They have two Yorkie mascot men and only one lion suit.

That, apparently, is where the sweat comes in.

One of the two mascots - no names, no zoo drill - sprays the inside of the suit with Fabreze to get rid of sweaty pongs before he climbs inside.

A York City SC (ugh!) spokesman laughed when I told him about this smelly situation and asked why they couldn't afford a second suit. "Because we're skint and struggling just like many football clubs these days," he said with disarming directness and honesty. "Most clubs in the land are having to cut corners and make economies."

Fur dos.

So, defying the laws of mathematics, two into one will go... and will have to carry on doing so for the old sweats we love to call Yorkie.

Roll on winter, for the mascots' sake!

Evening Press property writer Brian Page has always been a snappy dresser. When he was a baby he had designer bibs. He usually makes Beau Brummel look like a Davygate dosser.

So shoppers at Sainsbury's at Monks Cross would have been bemused to see Brian stripping off jacket and jumper in the car park the other day.

Making the most of the late summer sunshine? Er, no.

He had accidentally posted his car keys into the paper bank with the unwanted papers!

The opening is so narrow that only his bare arm would fit through to retrieve them.

Bridlington was packed with families enjoying the last of the summer sunshine on Bank Holiday Monday.

But I was taken aback to hear one dad turn to his young son outside a shop and say: "FCUK? They've ******* spelt that wrong haven't they?'".

He had spotted one of those designer tops from French Connection UK.

A Science Museum Grossology Survey reveals who puts the yuck into UK. It's official - Northern Ireland stinks, the Welsh are refined and the Scots shocking!

The UK's most uncivilised civilians came out in force this summer to take part in the museum's Grossology Survey.

Amazingly, 6,057 people responded to the survey, which was conducted as part of the programme of events for the Grossology exhibition of sophisticated animatronics, interactive exhibits and hard science exploring the good, the bad and the downright ugly ways the human body works.

Hosted on the Science Museum's website, the survey probed people on the bodily functions and nasty habits featured in the exhibition, which has been visited by more than 100,000 people and is open only until September 6.

Snot Me! - More than a third of all respondents admit to picking their nose more than five times a day, while 34 per cent admit to eating what they excavate!

Windy Isles - The British Isles could be named the Windy Isles, as 34 per cent find no shame in burping loudly in public. And as if that wasn't revolting enough, 29 per cent quite happily expel excess wind from their nether regions in public - but don't expect to find out whom these breezy Britons are because more than half admit to blaming others for their indiscretions.

Repulsive regions - The term the Emerald Isle is explained with the Northern Irish being identified as the biggest nose-pickers in the UK with 44 per cent admitting to digging around more than five times a day. And rather than shell out for more porridge, the Scots fill up by being the biggest bogey-connoisseurs with 39 per cent admitting to snacking between meals. While the Northern Irish burp (44 per cent) and fart (34 per cent) the most in public, the crafty Welsh are most accomplished at transferring blame (61 per cent).

And 39 per cent of the Northern Irish don't change their underwear every day while the Welsh are much more fastidious - 78 per of 'em wear clean pants daily. Gross girls or grotty boys? - The survey also proved what girls have known for centuries - boys are yuckier! Women are more likely to change their underwear every day, less likely to pick their noses and more successful at controlling windy emissions. However, girls are much more likely to blame others should that high-fibre diet get the better of them.

Uncouth counties -Essex men top the loud lewd league with 49 per cent burping and 48 per cent farting loudly in public. Kent men are least likely to put their hand over their mouth when they cough (49 per cent) and only three per cent change their pants every day! Meanwhile delicate Dorset flowers consume more bogeys than any other group of women with more than 50 per cent admitting to the habit, top the league for farting and burping (47 per cent) loudly in public, have the worst record for changing their underwear (only 55 per cent change daily) and squeezing other's spots (53 per cent)!

Frankly, dear readers, I don't give a yuck for such surveys.

Grossology: The (Impolite) Science of the Human Body exhibition in London's Kensington, closes on Friday.

LAST week I invited you to send in your favourite Yorkshire words and their definitions and offered five CDs to the best entry.

Step forward Robbie Cox, of Holly Bank, York, and claim your prize for these:

Bawson - noisy person

Uggeram - to carry something for someone

Powfagged - very tired

Caffle - to hesitate

Tooter - a complainer

Bummerskite - a lazy person

Dander - anger/passion

Nazard - horrible/mean person

Gob slotch - glutton

Updated: 11:37 Saturday, August 31, 2002