Wedded bliss

Newlyweds Mark and Nicola Allford have just returned from a blissful two week honeymoon in Italy - and it shows. He grins shyly and she beams with delight every time he calls her "my wife" in conversation, and they both virtually light up the room with enthusiasm when they talk about their wedding at St Michael-le-Belfrey Church in the shadow of York Minster and their subsequent travels around Rome, the Amalfi coast and a country village where the Pope has a holiday home (although he doesn't visit anymore, much to the chagrin of the locals).

But now they are back home in their rented terrace home in Main Street, Fulford, Mark has returned to work as a doctor and Nicola is looking for a job after giving up a career as a charity events organiser in London. In other words, their real married life is just beginning.

They are more confident than most, however, that they can make a go of it thanks to the lessons they have learned from their "marriage mentors".

The marriage mentor scheme, run by York Family Matters (01904 639767), puts engaged couples in touch with couples who have been married for at least ten years and have a wealth of experience to pass on.

"Our mentors, Rob and Lynden, invited us round for a meal so we could talk and get to know each other better," says 30-year-old Nicola. "It was very social and informal and we really enjoyed it."

"There was some work to do though," says Mark, 29. "We filled in a questionnaire while they made coffee. The 119 questions were grouped together to highlight areas of potential conflict. It all seemed very straightforward, but there were some surprises when we got the results back at the next session."

They realised they had never actually sat down and talked in any detail about children, their careers or finance, and that there were some areas they thought they had discussed but which they still had completely different ideas about. In the end, the questionnaire results threw out ten broad categories that set the agenda for the following mentoring sessions.

"Rob and Lynden were wonderful because they had seen it all before and had a stack of personal anecdotes to help us," says Mark. "We soon realised that while the sessions were not going to stop us having fights - not that we have had one yet - they would give us a strategy for coping with problems when they occur."

Although Mark and Nicola are active Christians - they met as officers at a Christian Union children's camp in 1996 - they are keen to stress that the marriage mentors scheme is not overtly faith-based.

"The church is very keen on couples having marriage prep," says Mark. "But this is not a programme aimed specifically at Christian couples."

"It's very broad-based," explains Nicola. "It has something to offer everyone, no matter what their religion - if they have any - their colour or their sexual orientation." Mark adds: "This is not about religion, it's about relationships."

"The divorce rate is enormous in this country and whatever you can do to make it work is worth doing. You should pull out all the stops when it comes to your marriage."

The couple feel they now have a solid friendship with their mentors. They came to their wedding - along with about 150 snap-happy tourists - and it will, they say, be part of their lives for a long time to come.

"We have learned a lot from our mentors," says Mark. "But perhaps one of the most important things we have learned is to make time for one another."

"When you are living together you think you are spending all your time together," says Nicola, "but if you are just sitting watching EastEnders it doesn't really count.

"It's the quality of the time you spend together that counts."

"Our aim now is to make a date once a week, to have a night that is just for us," explains Mark "and every three months or so we will have a romantic weekend away."

"In a nice, expensive hotel," says Nicola, giving her new husband a playful prod on the arm. "Are you writing this down so I've got proof later?," she asks me.

True love can run smoothy if you try...

Claire and Martin Hoggart are 100 per cent made for each other. They have known since they were 16, but now - 23 years later - they have a bar chart to prove it. As part of their training as marriage mentors they had to fill in the FOCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study) questionnaire that all the engaged couples on the course have to do. There are 119 questions aimed at gauging compatibility and highlighting areas of concern.

"We agreed 100 per cent on everything," says Martin. "Spooky, isn't it?"

Perhaps just a little, but at least it proves they are more than qualified to pass on their experience to couples just about to take the plunge.

Claire and Martin, of Crompton Terrace, Haxby, have just successfully completed their first mentoring course and are happy to report that their first couple are now enjoying a happy honeymoon.

"I knew from the start that this course was something I wanted to be involved in," says Martin, who designs and manufactures garden stoneware - with Claire, of course. "We believe in marriage - it is part of who we are. We believe that family and marriage are the foundations of society and anything we can do to help strengthen those foundations is worthwhile.

"Our own marriage has not been problem-free, but we have managed to come out the other side.

"We also have many friends who have found marriage difficult, and they have often talked to us on an informal basis. This course is a formal version of that."

Claire took a bit more persuading. "I'm more reserved," she explains. "Talking about our marriage is not a problem, but I'm not good at meeting people for the first time and getting the ball rolling.

"People don't believe me but I am a bit shy. After the first training session though, I knew it was for me too."

The Hoggarts, who have three daughters, Amy, 14, Sarah, 11, and Rosie, nine, soon found they had to put any thoughts of shyness firmly behind them. The primary concern of mentor sessions is honest and open discussion.

"The sessions are structured and you have a bulky information pack to work through, but when the personal anecdotes start flowing and the couple begin to really talk about their concerns it's easy to follow where the discussion leads," says Martin.

The couples are encouraged to talk to each other rather than their mentors and are given homework assignments such as researching their family trees or writing love letters to one another. "There is one part of the course that, to be honest, a lot of mentors skip," says Martin.

"It's a covenant that the couple can sign to say they will abstain from pre-marital sex. Some mentors are understandably jittery about it, but I thought it's in the course, we're all adults, let's put it to them and see what they think.

"In the end, it wasn't a problem."

Claire was not as enthusiastic about this part of the course as her husband, but she didn't think it was inappropriate to broach the subject. After all, the couple could simply say no.

"I have to admit I felt a bit embarrassed about the whole thing," she admitted. "I was very tempted to hide in the kitchen."

Most couples are referred to the Family Matters (01904 639767) course via their church, but the course is open to anyone, whether they intend to have a religious or civil ceremony.

"We have a faith," says Claire.

"Yes, we could talk about God until the cows come home given half a chance," says Martin. "But this course is open to everyone, whether they have a religious background or not. It's all down to individual couples. If the couple you mentor are Christians you can pray with them, if they're not, you don't. The course is just as valuable without the religious aspect."

"It is not about religion," says Claire ,"it's about marriage."

Which brings us neatly back to that spooky 100 per cent compatibility thing. They live together, they work together, they socialise together, they deal with three girls together and now they mentor together. Do they really never have a tiff every now and again?

"We disagree but we don't storm off," says Martin. "It's just not what we do."

"We sometimes pretend to fight just to amuse the girls," says Claire.

"They think it's hilarious because we just can't argue."

Updated: 09:31 Tuesday, July 30, 2002