POP into Jim Hardie's boozer, the Blue Bell on Fossgate, York, on Tuesday and you could be confronted by an officer and a gentleman during the day and a member of the dreaded SS at night.

Bizarrely, genial Jim is dressing up as a German SS officer to celebrate... St George's Day night and as a British naval officer during the day. He is paying this tribute to England's patron saint as part of the Blue Bell's wartime party.

Before opening on Tuesday, the pub will be decorated in the manner of the time. It follows a similar event this time last year.

"It was a great success," Herr Hardie said. "Most of the customers enjoyed it. A lot of them asked if we might do the same thing again. A lot will be coming in 1940s themed dress, either in war time uniform or the dress of the day."

So he will expect total obedience from his staff while he is an SS officer? "It'll make a change. They usually order me around."

Jim's wife Sue is dressing as a sailor and regulars are popping in wearing various get-ups that were all the rage during the Second World War. The barmaids will be togged up as Land Army girls and Hitler's doing a spot of karaoke. (Only joking!)

Thanks to a promotion by Charles Wells Bombardier, "there's also a chance of winning a made-to-measure suit of armour".

Jim's outfits are courtesy of Fantasy World, Main Street, Fulford, York.

- WHEN it comes to York get your facts rights or Mike McCulloch will give you a real pasting. Just ask the hapless editor of Motoring & Leisure Magazine based in Brighton.

What he read in their recent rag sent Mike's blood pressure soaring as he rattled off this blistering missive:

"I have just received a copy of this otherwise excellent publication. On flipping through the pages prior to reading it I noticed an article about Yorkshire on pages 68 and 69 and while I approve of the article to attract visitors to our beautiful county, I wish to draw your attention to the bit about York "Water Way To Go" at the top of page 69.

This states that a Floodlit Evening Cruise will take one to "the Bishopsthorpe Palace, home to the Bishop of York".

You will no doubt notice from the top of this letter that I live in Bishopthorpe, not "Bishopsthorpe" (a fact easily checked in any decent road atlas) and our illustrious fellow villager is the Archbishop of York, not the Bishop!

In addition to these errors the one wherein you state "cruise past places where King Harold's men fought the Vikings in 1066".

Not so; this battle took place at Stamford Bridge 12 miles east of York on the banks of the River Derwent. As to the witches being ducked, this is very problematical following the veracity of previous statements!

Please convey my disgust at the ignorance of your reporter, which I suspect is typical of someone from "down South" not having checked the facts properly. I bet he would have got his facts right if he had been reporting on somewhere like Winchester!"

Ouch... that's telling 'em, Mike.

Moral: write in haste repent at Leisure.

- KAY Wheatcroft, a loyal republican of Huntington Road, York, found herself cast as the staunchest of royalists last week.

She was chopping onions in the kitchen while the Queen Mother's funeral was being screened on television in the next room. Her face was streaming with tears when a salesman knocked at the door.

"I'm sorry, love, I'll call another time," said the embarrassed salesman on seeing the TV through the window, "I don't want to intrude on your grief."

Mum's the word, Kay.

- A van bearing the acronym TWATS is doing the rounds in York.

Before you start getting hot under the collar at such rudery, it actually stands for Transport Workers and Tautliner Specialists. Those are the people who make those rope things to secure lorry loads and "curtains" for the sides of heavy trucks.

However, owner Lee Kitson, 31, says the local engineering company has received loads of text messages and phone calls during the last 15 years referring to the blunt message.

Some rude, some prude, some crude and some just... bemused.

I just report the facts, your worship...

- A YORK sightseeing tour firm has been borrowing a bus from Colchester. It hastily plastered a cheap looking 'York' sticker over the brightly-coloured Colchester name. But confused motorists can still read the back of the bus promoting tours round a zoo and park.

Open the cage and let me out!

- According to a press release from the Bradford & Bingley: "It's not all doom and gloom for homeowners with subsidence like EastEnders' Mark and Lisa.

"Mark and Lisa were shocked to hear that their home has subsidence. For Lisa the thought of living with Pauline for up to six months is clearly too much to bare! Yet subsidence is a real problem in the UK and likely to affect thousands of homes this year according to BBG surveyors."

Why should Mark and Lisa want to bare all to dowdy old Pauline Fowler escapes me. The bare fact is they used the wrong bear!

Slip-ups in court:

Q: Could you see him during the incident?

A: I could only see his head.

Q: And where was his head at the time?

A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: You say she has three children?

A: Yes

Q: How many were boys?

A: Three

Q: And were there any girls?

Updated: 09:20 Saturday, April 20, 2002