OH, I guess it could be Christmas every day... in the Ship Inn at Strensall, at least. Middlesbrough-born landlord Trevor Copeland has vowed to keep his Yuletide lights flashing in the bar until semi-finalists Boro are dumped out of the FA Cup.
But should they go on to lift the coveted trophy - and it would be the first time in their long, silverware-starved history - the Christmas lights will burn all-year round, pledges Riverside season-ticket holder Trev.
The 47-year-old, who has been at the Ship for two years after running his own stationery firm down in Essex, is Boro through and through. Wife Nicola would rather have a packet of cheese and onion crisps to be honest. But their 19-year-old daughter, Alexa, is right behind her dad and cheers on Middlesbrough to the echo.
"I shot myself in the football when I decided to keep the Christmas lights on for the duration of Boro's cup run," says Trevor. "I promised my locals I wouldn't go to any of the cup clashes unless they got to the final at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff."
And he's kept to it. But he has had a few whingers telling him to take down the lights.
"You know the sort I'm on about... Newcastle and Sunderland fans. But they are a bit dim anyway," he laughs.
As a Boro fan through thin and thin (no thick, unfortunately), I want the Ship's Christmas to blaze brightly and triumphantly all year.
So come on Boro! Come on Boro! And one for my ginger mate, Pager, come on Boro when they meet the winners of the Newcastle-Arsenal replay in the semis.
Modern technology can be a nest of vipers for legal eagles.
During one recent York trial the entire court had to smother grins while an usher struggled for several minutes with a spaghetti-like tangle of leads supposed to attach a tape recorder to its loudspeakers.
Despite her best efforts and much clicking of buttons, not a sound would the Court Service- approved machine make.
"Is it plugged in?" asked Judge Peter Baker QC solicitously and the courtroom exploded into laughter.
The usher vanished under the courtroom table to check and when she re-emerged said: "That seems to have managed it".
Sure enough, then the trial could 'fast forward'.
RESEARCH into what York women really want shows it doesn't matter whether you're attracted to a wicked sense of humour, a toned six-pack, or sparkling eyes - he's got to be faithful.
If he's taller than 5' 9", he's more likely to cheat than a shorter lover.
Long-haired men are good-natured and faithful, as are chaps with mid-length hair parted at the side. But beware of men with hair like Hugh Grant or Brad Pitt.
Men with close-set eyes are also a good bet, as are those with strong square chins and oval faces - and if his ring finger is no longer than his index finger, chances are he's playing for keeps.
So, in the interests of fairness, I ran this past my pal, 34-year-old Annette Logan, queen of the computer keyboard, whose views on man-matters are sought after the length and breadth of her street in Acomb, York.
She came up with this interesting, if cynical, response:
Tall, short, fat, thin
Long hair, short hair
Balding, or stubble on chin,
Six pack or beer belly
Ten chins or square
Long fingers, short fingers
Neither will play fair
If the fancy takes them
Off they'll trot...
It doesn't matter how they look...
Or what they've got!
Speaking of men, this is from a female friend who bites the heads off jellybabies... first.
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
Watch out, I can't take much more men-baiting!
Hundreds of entries poured in for my Rollover Competition which invited you to name five English football league clubs whose names start and end with the same letter.
The answers were: York City, Northampton Town, Liverpool, Aston Villa and Charlton Athletic.
My rollover prize of ten top CDs goes to... Penny Goff of Fulford Road, York.
I DOFF my hat to six mums who were today set to finish a 166-mile march for charity.
They were due at Asda in Monks Cross Shopping Park between 10.30am and 11am after their marathon trek round the North York Moors. They raised cash for a vital York charity, senior SNAPPY, which provides sports and leisure activities for young people with learning difficulties.
Well done one and all. If you want to chip in to help this worthy cause contact Rose Woodhead on 07711 288195 or SNAPPY on 01904 640562.
Here it is... the uncensored picture of Michael Groom.
Mr Groom may be a respectable pillar of society as national president of the Institute of Chartered Accountants, but according to his own office computer his head may be... pornographic!
His staff tried to e-mail a photograph of this rather pleasant face to illustrate the news that he was visiting York as part of his celebration of the opening of his institute's new regional office in Leeds.
But the Evening Press had this warning on its incoming e-mail: "The MessageLabs SkyScan Anti-Porn service has identified a suspect file attachment that may contain pornographic material."
Sonia Kenson, media relations manager for the new Yorkshire branch of the institute, says: "This anti-porn programme attached to our e-mail is driving us all mad. It assumes that anything with flesh tones is pornographic."
Perhaps they should all paint their faces blue.
MY high-flying TV producer pal from Scotland flew to England on business.
She jetted from Glasgow to Stansted airport and expected to be collected by a company car complete with driver, of course.
When she got through arrivals, there was no sign of her 'pick-up'. She waited and waited and when patience ran out asked to have him 'Tannoyed.'
He turned up a few minutes later looking sheepish. He had been waiting at the International Arrivals gate.
These suvveners...
Updated: 09:03 Saturday, March 16, 2002
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