PAT's back behind bars! Well, the bar of The Golden Slipper in Goodramgate, York, actually. This bit of feline fun is Pat Cuttill's way of sharing her happy returns with you, dear reader.

I had to change some of the words or risk getting the Spanish fiddle (El Bow) from the Editor, but it's still a laff anyway.

Pat's been away since the 400-year-old building closed last September to go through a major refurb, then she was off work after an operation (don't ask!)

Now Pat, one of the most delightful barmaids to ever pull a pint anywhere in the world, is back where she belongs after four and half months... and she's loving every minute.

Mind you, after nine and half years at the Slipper you wouldn't expect anything else. "Too right I'm glad to be back," she told me, "the regulars haven't been getting enough sarky comments, but I'm changing all that."

So drop in for a drop and say hello to Pat. Just tell her Dick sent you.

- CITY of York Council is always taking stick... Coppergate II, council tax, street litter, the Barbican Centre redevelopment and the rising cost of pork belly futures to name but 12.

Now it's going up the pole.

This earth-shattering e-mail was sent on Tuesday out to all council workers... and to me from one of many moles (or poles).

"Has anyone in the council ordered a 12ft pole. If so it has been delivered to the Barbican Centre. If you have can you arrange to collect it. The pole is in the duty manager's office."

If no one seems to know who ordered a 12ft pole, what chance have we poor citizens?

If it's any help, I ordered a 5ft 10ins blond Slovak with big... eyes. Anyone know where she is?

- STARING dreamily into a foaming pint of John Smith's in the Waggon and Horses on Wednesday night, I was roused by security man Peter who asked : "Who'll win the next round of the Worthington Cup then?"

As titters ran round the bar in York's Lawrence Street, landlord Stan Lucas fought back tears of laughter to tell pint-sized Pete: "The match was played last Sunday. Blackburn Rovers beat Tottenham Hotspur two one."

Totally unfazed Peter retorted with: "Anyhow, Man U did well to beat Nantes 5-1 in the Champions League last night, didn't they?

"That guy Suchard had a great game!"

Stan said: "It's not Suchard, they make chocolate, you mean Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, United's Norwegian goal-grabber."

That was enough for puzzled Peter, who looked decidedly miffed. "Oh well, I'm off home now," he mithered. "Can you remember where you live?" shot back Stan, triumphantly.

Next week Peter takes over from Des Lynam on The Premiership.

How to impress a woman...

Compliment her, respect her, honour her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to impress a man...

Turn up naked with food and beer.

- JAMES Bond walks into a bar in Goodramgate and sits next to a stunningly attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch.

The woman notices and asks: "Is your date late?"

"No," he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

Stunner: "What's so special about it?"

Bond: "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

Stunner: "Wow, so what is it telling you now?"

Bond: "It says you don't have any knickers on."

Stunner (giggling): "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing knickers."

Bond: "Tut tut damn thing's 15 minutes fast!"

Royal Clangers... a Defining Moments special

The Duke of Edinburgh has a reputation for plain speaking. In the latest example, during this week's Royal visit to Australia, he asked an Aborigine man: "Do you still throw spears at each other?" Other outrageous outbursts from Prince Philip have included:

- British women can't cook - a 1966 pronouncement.

- What do you gargle with, pebbles? - speaking to singer Tom Jones after the 1969 Royal Variety Performance.

- Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed - during the 1981 recession.

- If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it - at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting.

- How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test? - to a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland, during a 1995 walkabout.

- If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats? - in 1996, amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting.

- Bloody silly fool! - in 1997, referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who did not recognise him.

- It looks as if it was put in by an Indian - pointing at an old-fashioned fusebox in a factory near Edinburgh in 1999.

- Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf - to young deaf people in Cardiff, in 1999, referring to a school's steel band.

- You are a woman, aren't you? - in Kenya, in 1984, after accepting a small gift from a native woman.

- If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed - to British students in China, during the 1986 state visit.

- Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species in the world - in Thailand, in 1991, after accepting a conservation award.

- Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease - in Australia, in 1992, when asked to stroke a Koala bear.

- You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly - to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary, in 1993.

Updated: 11:32 Saturday, March 02, 2002