History lessens

- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an over-dose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and threw the java.

- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

- Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin, were two singers of the Declaration Of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared: "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ Of The Species, Madman Curie discovered the radio....

- Bananas Nev Lacy has finally got his monkey. Nev, 20, of Seventh Avenue, York, subscribed to the ITV Digital magazine to get a free monkey - made famous by the adverts starring Johnny Vegas. After waiting for the furry primate since Christmas, Nev has finally been sent one. They make a lovely couple.

- ANOTHER good reason to use credit cards and keep the pound is an out-break of Spanish Itch.

Twenty Spaniards were forced to seek hospital treatment just ten days after the euro was introduced.

Doctors reckon they ended up with dermatitis, itching and reddening of the hands from handling the nickel-filled euro coins.

Supermarket cashiers are particularly at risk and one expert warned: "As months go by the symptoms will worsen with continuous contact. What starts as a skin complaint may produce cracks in the skin where fungi can lodge".

No wonder Britain didn't want to start from scratch and join the common currency last month.

Updated: 09:23 Saturday, February 16, 2002