AS if dinner parties with family and friends aren't bad enough, at this time of year we have to suffer the usual attempts to fill up space in the newspapers with rubbish such as the 'ideal celebrity dinner guest' list.

This year there were no surprises at the top, with Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams being the stars most people would like to share a festive meal with.

But there were some shocks further down the list of the 100 most coveted eating companions, compiled by an Internet match-making firm.

Osama bin Laden fell in at number 49. Are people mad? I mean who in their right mind would ask him to pass the salt? And with Tony Blair at number 13, I wouldn't be able to resist spending the whole evening moaning about NHS waiting lists, class sizes, fox hunting and the MMR jab.

So who would I invite to my New Year bash tonight? It was a hard task - at a squeeze I can only fit six around my table and celebrities are ten-a-penny nowadays, but here goes:

Anne Widdecombe

A strange choice, some may think, because she's not exactly renowned for being a good-time girl.

But her outspoken views on contentious issues would make her an ideal guest to get passions aroused.

Also, she's not famed for good looks, so if I sat next to her I would appear stunningly gorgeous.

Jonathan Ross

Because in my (much sought-after) opinion, he's the best chat-show host in the world and would be guaranteed to keep the conversation going and make everyone laugh during the most awkward silences.

Jeffrey Archer

Accustomed to prison grub, he's the only person who might genuinely not mind the inedible offerings that I would be bound to serve up. He would also make an interesting contribution to an after-dinner game of Truth Or Dare.

David Beckham

I wasn't sure about him because, while he may be great at sticking a ball in the back of a net, wit and repartee are not his strong points. But, hopefully he would buy me a New Year trinket such as a horrendously expensive diamond-studded ankle chain worth around £7 billion that I could sell then buy a stately home in Sussex.

Woody Allen

The only person likely to have more hang-ups than me. His vast number of insecurities would make me feel reasonably together. And he's very funny.

Delia Smith

Because, with a bit of gentle persuasion, she might agree to do the cooking.

I've just realised I've forgotten to leave room for myself. But with the possible exception of Anne and Delia (who would be in the kitchen anyway), I'm sure the assembled diners would welcome a spot of table dancing to see in 2002. It would give me chance to show off that ankle chain before handing it over to Sotheby's.