HAVE you heard all about it? With Christmas upon us it's best that you're aware of it. It's called Kitchen Performance Anxiety and is a new syndrome which affects one in eight people.

The condition is a product of all those cookery programmes with the likes of Jamie Oliver, which we try to live up to but can't, and is characterised by fear as to how your cooking will be judged by others.

Discovered by a leading psychologist, the symptoms are rapid heart rate, difficulty in breathing, nausea and headaches and almost 68 per cent of people hold fewer dinner parties because of the increased pressures.

Well, I wish I got paid for unearthing stuff like this, because I identified this condition in myself decades ago, when Fanny Craddock was telling us how to bake scones on our black and white tellies. I knew then that I couldn't cook to save my life and I was right.

But so-called performance anxiety isn't limited to the kitchen. I can identify a further four related conditions which I myself suffer from, and I'm sure I can't be alone.

Bedroom Performance Anxiety (BPA)

Now this being a family newspaper, I realise that I'll have to hold back on the more raunchy details of my sex life - like the night back in 1988 when I accidentally revealed an entire leg to my husband.

Seriously though, as night falls I'm plagued with BPA. I mean, as a wife of seven years' standing, should I really be wearing a pair of M&S men's pyjamas in bed?

As regular readers know, I genuinely think that sex is over-rated, but I'd still like to think that when it does take place, my husband will find me attractive. I can't abandon the nightwear - far too warm and comfortable - but I'm torn over whether to remove my hair net and Kirby grips.

Living Room Performance Anxiety (LPA)

This can manifest itself in many ways, the most common being extreme discomfort when a guest arrives at my home for the first time and sits down only to yelp when a child's sharp-edged toy hidden in the recesses of the sofa pierces their buttock.

Another being finding 'clean me' messages left by visiting children, scrawled in the dust on top of the TV or book shelves.

Bathroom Performance Anxiety (BPA)

As a woman who - whatever others may think - is concerned about image, I feel I should spend more time in front of the mirror. But, even when I make time, I'm at a loss as to what to do.

Pre-children, I used to be able to spend two hours or more making myself look stunning. I knew what to put where for maximum effect.

Now I go out so rarely, I can't even apply mascara without smudging it. I'm always rushing and usually end up looking like a drag queen.

Garden Performance Anxiety (GPA)

Okay, I know how to pull out the odd weed. But on our tiny patch of earth that passes for a garden, the only water feature visitors are likely to see is the paddling pool. It's a bit like cooking - watch the programme, can't produce the goods.

If we judge ourselves by what we watch on the telly, we'll all be nervous wrecks. Unless, of course, you're selective in your viewing.

My solution to performance anxiety is to tune in only to programmes like Life Of Grime, DIY Disasters, Can't Cook Won't Cook, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme and any documentary about life in northern England.