BOOTS the marmalade moggie got his marching orders from the Rose And Crown when he popped in for a Stella. But it wasn't a pint of the foamin' he was after, oh no. The cocky cat has taken a shine to Stella, landlady Georgia Clarey's puss at the Lawrence Street watering hole in York.

Boots, from the Waggon And Horses just a few doors away, was spotted in the arms of barman Damien at the Crown, who was escorting him from the premises after the amorous cat chased Stella into the front bar.

Stan Lucas of the Waggon was just settling down to a game of pool in the Crown when he spotted his cat being manhandled off the premises.

"Hey, that's my cat. What's going on?" asked Stan.

"He's been chasing Stella and I don't mean the lager," laughed Damien from Oz. "He's outta here!"

So, gently, he showed Boots the pavement and the crestfallen cat slunk away.

"Boots, is a fearless feline, he once stared-down a Rottweiler, and that's no lie," says Stan who says he expects his cat to stop sniffing around Stella when boozers stop boozing.

Meanwhile, word on the street is that Boots is seeing a lady cat across the road at Reg Vardy's, the car dealers.

"Yeah, she's a fast cat. They have trysts every night under a Jaguar..."

How do you know, Stan?

- SPEAKING of Aussies, what a load of cobbers from the Australian Bureau of Statistics.

At least three Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue and 142 were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

Thirty one Aussies have died since 1996 after watering their Christmas tree while the lights were plugged in and 19 have died in the past three years by scoffing yuletide decorations they believed were chocolate.

Amazingly 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the past two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket and eight cracked their skull in 1997 after passing out while throwing up into the toilet.

Dumb yes, but they are dinkum at rugby, cricket, swimming, synchronised swigging and just about everything else.

- DAME Berwick Kaler is the writer of the York Theatre Royal pantomime this year as usual. Oh yes he is, but unfortunately the credit is missing from the programme.

Instead, there is a stapled insert, which reads: "In keeping with tradition, Jack And The Beanstalk has been written by our very own panto dame Berwick Kaler".

The note refrains from adding Berwick's usual assessment of his scripts: "On with the rubbish!".

- MY mate Bob the wordsmith and his wife went late-night shopping at the Tesco superstore, Askham Bar, and found it anything but 'super'!

He got the distinct impression that the staff found late-night shoppers a bit of an inconvenience.

They arrived at 10.30pm and expected to whizz round.

"Whizz round? I've seen faster-moving glue! It was like tackling an obstacle course, with laden warehouse trolleys abandoned all over the place and cases of goodies strewn all along the aisles.

"In at least three aisles I had to manhandle these things out of the way".

To add to their woe they found that a number of items they normally buy were missing from the shelves - and shelf-stackers were unable to find them in the warehouse.

The suggestion that they should call back at 11am the following morning for one of these items had my pal scratching his head over 24-hour shopping.

He tells me this late-night shopping adventure took 105 minutes instead of the usual 90 minutes on a normal Saturday.

Reminds me of a sign advertising a huge supermarket in the States which read: And now, the superstore... unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.

- FOLLOW Turpin's beer drinker's guide to iron out any little problems that may spoil your supping this Christmas...

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Action: Rotate glass so open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

Fault: Glass empty.

Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

Fault: You have fallen over backward.

Action: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

Fault: You have fallen forward.

Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Action: Retire to gents, practise in mirror.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Improper bladder control.

Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.

Symptom: Floor blurred.

Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.

Fault: Bar has closed.

Action: Confirm home address with barmaid.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.

Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Action: Cover mouth.

- SIGN in a North Yorkshire golf club...

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now wash your hands, go outside, and tee off.

Defining moment

There's no smoke without mud being flung around - Edwina Currie on sleaze when she was an MP.