Coping with Christmas

CHRISTMAS is a time for families; for glorious get-togethers and nostalgic reminiscence. But family tensions and feuds bring their own stresses at this time of year and can ruin the big day for children and adults alike. A survey for leading counselling charity Relate found that two thirds of people in Yorkshire rate 'spending time with family and loved ones' as the most important aspect of the Christmas holiday.

And yet, Relate centres across the region typically experience a significant increase in calls during January, and the stories told in counselling rooms in the new year are all too often those of hurt and disappointment.

Angela Sibson, chief executive of Relate, which has branches in York and Harrogate, explained: "Relate knows people value and enjoy being with their loved ones, but the closeness they hope for won't just appear under the tree on Christmas day.

"People do want to make their relationships as happy and healthy as possible, but good intentions of talking more and spending time together get left behind with all the 'must do' demands of a modern Christmas."

To help you get the most out of the holiday season, Relate has put together this guide with useful advice on how to avoid those festive family feuds.

The charity also has advice on how to cope over Christmas if your personal circumstances have changed this year, for instance if you are newly single or bereaved, just had a baby with your partner, or spending your first Christmas with a new love.

Before Christmas Day...

- Share your thoughts with your partner about how you want Christmas to be. Be honest with each other about any fears you are harbouring and sort out any niggles that have been simmering.

- Think about what your family might want to get out of Christmas this year. Recognise how your family is changing and plan how you all want to spend Christmas.

- Negotiate how time will be spent; make an effort to understand the position of others, ask lots of questions and know what you are prepared to negotiate and what you won't give up.

- Never stop loving your children; remember Christmas gives them their memories for the future.

- Spend time talking about the best and worst Christmases you've had together and what lessons you can learn from them.

- Don't be afraid of creating your own traditions - live in the Christmas present, not the Christmas past: give yourself permission to do things differently this year, and give others space to do the same.

If you are newly single...

- Make concrete plans for the holiday. Look up people you want to spend your time with and book them in.

- Appreciate the fact that you will not have to make as many compromises this festive season. Are there things you have never been able to do in the past but can this year?

- Christmas might be a good time to rest and recoup.

- Share your feelings with close friends. Remember too, you can tell them if you feel low - they won't mind.

- Doing things for others, positively, makes you feel better about yourself.

- If you want to, have a grieving time by setting out photographs and mementoes and having a good cry.

- Remember that you are not alone and that in Relate's experience, you are likely to be feeling much better by this time next year.

If your children are spending Christmas elsewhere...

- Keep in touch in both hi-tech and old-fashioned ways; text them, use e-mail or a web-cam, or simply send them a letter to be opened at a special time on Christmas Day.

- Talk to them about the new routine well in advance, including how Christmas will be for you. Reassure them that you will be fine even though you will miss them, and encourage them to enjoy themselves.

- Remember Christmas isn't all about one day. Plan a fabulous day to celebrate that isn't December 25. Don't compete to do things bigger and better than the Christmas Day the children had or will have - try something completely different.

- Liaise with your ex-partner or whoever they are staying with and buy gifts of similar values for the children.

- Try not to feel guilty or bitter. This will prevent you from relaxing and having a good time.

If this is your first Christmas in a 're-formed' or stepfamily...

- Encourage everybody to talk about their expectations of the holiday season and reach agreement about how it is going to be.

- Listen to others and keep an open mind.

- Make time for yourself and your partner, as well as allowing for the children's thoughts and feelings about the new set up.

- Don't try to recreate old Christmases - it will be different this year so be positive about it.

If this is your first Christmas as a new couple...

- Establish yourselves as a new unit rather than becoming the property of two families and yo-yoing between them. You will only have one first Christmas together, so give yourself some wonderful memories.

- Don't just enjoy your love-making, enjoy talking about it and don't be afraid to ask.

- Don't feel inhibited about sharing your happiness.

- If difficult visits are in store, talk about how you both might handle what might come up and plan the lengths of your stay.

If this is your first Christmas with a baby...

- Remember the best gift you can give your baby is your own happy, healthy couple relationship.

- Talk about what you want from this first festive season as a family.

- Even if your time alone is limited, it can still be quality time.

- Don't expect too much of yourselves at Christmas, remember the physical and emotional tiredness of having a baby.

- Remember that babies need routine, and it could be very difficult for all concerned if the festivities cause baby to lose his or hers.

If you are bereaved this Christmas...

- Accept that you will feel sad and allow yourself to grieve.

- Speak up about how you are feeling.

- It's OK to have fun and enjoy yourself, you needn't feel guilty.

- Use and continue to call on your family and friends for support - and let them know what it means to have them there.

- It's OK to talk about the person you are grieving for. Reminisce about Christmases past, other good times, and how they enriched your life. By doing this, you will be giving permission to others to do likewise.

- Try and keep in mind how other members of your family and circle are feeling; allow them to grieve too.

- Remember you may have to make allowances for some people who cannot deal with grief - apparent indifference may not be lack of feeling.

- It's OK to want to spend time alone. You may find yourself inundated with invitations, but don't accept offers because you feel you ought to.

- If an anniversary falls at Christmas, think in advance how to spend that day.

York and Harrogate Relate can be

contacted on 01904 625971 or 01423 502173.