BY heck, it makes you proud. Britain has the worst traffic congestion in Europe. Forget the wretched rues of Paris, the static strade of Rome and the, er, awful autobaans approaching Amsterdam. John Bull's jams are the longest on the continent - by a country kilometre.

Go tell that to those misery merchants who say this nation has lost the will to win. And then hit them with some more traffic facts: Britain has the longest commuting times and the most expensive, least subsidised public transport in Europe.

Well done to all involved.

These stats, revealed by the Commission For Integrated Transport this week, are a true shot in the arm for Britain. We may have lost the slave trade, child labour and all the other glories of empire, but these small islands still do some things worse than anyone in the world.

And, mark my words, things can decline further. With a collective lack of will from Government, road users, bus bosses and railway timetablers, we could soon become the first country in history to grind to a total stop.

But it is not only transport where we trounce all-comers. This mighty nation, this land of pomp, circumstance and myrrh, is in a league apart in so many ways.

Take poverty, for instance. You might have thought the Irelands, southern Italies and Portugals of this world would outclass us in this fiercely competitive field. Not so.

Britain has the highest child poverty rate of any major industrialised country apart from the United States.

Gordon Brown keeps trying to mess up this achievement. His tax credits have already lifted a million children above the poverty line.

Fret not, however: there's still four million stuck in the economic underworld.

And this despite the fact that we toil harder than anyone else in Europe. We plucky Brits hold the record for enduring the longest working week, four hours more than the average. Way to go, wage slaves!

It's a wonder that we have any energy for sex. But we can't stop coupling, and (pauses to look smug) we last longer than anyone else in Europe - an exhausting 21 minutes. We are also the continent's leading adulterers, leading to the highest dry cleaning bills (probably).

Credit for our sexual prowess must go to the youth training programme. After all, we have the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe, fully six times that of the Netherlands.

Yet, despite all this exercise, we manage to pile on the pounds at a magnificent rate.

England is undoubtedly a heavyweight player: our obesity rates place us near the top of the league.

The Italians and Spanish are still more lethargic, disappointingly: they watch just over four hours of telly a day, half an hour more than the Brits. Our average might creep up a bit now Anthea Turner's off the box, of course.

Nevertheless, our fat-to-sloth ratio is pretty much untouchable. As a result, no one drops dead better. We die of heart disease more often than virtually anyone else in Europe.

There are many more statistics where these came from. Britain culls more livestock, creates more food scares, pays more for goods, endures more shoddy service and grumbles more about the weather than any comparable nation.

Time and again we're out on our own. So it is about time we told Europe, with their pitifully high standards and quality of life, that we want nothing to do with them or their silly money.

We should announce it loudly, in English. Because our foreign language skills are the worst in Europe - by a pretty impressive margin.