Sing in the tail

Having never been accused of being humorous I just looked blank... and he went nuts.

I told him: "Keep yer lens cap on Stevie-baby, I've got a plan. I'll run a competition challenging readers to suggest song titles for the all-singing, all-dancing squirrel. And I'll offer five free CDs to the winner."

So have a go.

Send your suggestions on a postcard with name, address and daytime telephone to Squirrel Competition, Dick Turpin, PO Box 35, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN by next Friday 30 November. Usual competition rules apply.

- WORD reaches me that York's Dame Judi Dench, the actress who seems to win awards for winning awards, is just a big kid at heart.

The 66-year-old superstar was spotted whizzing through New York's Central Park recently on a motorised microscooter.

It was during a break from her latest movie The Shipping News featuring American Beauty star Kevin Spacey. And Spacey it was who persuaded Judi to try scootering after he took her to see the smash-hit Broadway play, The Producers.

Good pal Spacey attended the memorial service for Judi's actor husband, the irreplaceable Michael Williams who died of cancer earlier this year.

I bet Dame Judi picks up an award for Best Over Sixty Scooterist of the year later this year.

She once famously remarked that the only thing she hasn't won is Crufts.

- HAS Manuel left Fawlty Towers, changed his name and gone back to Spain?

You may be forgiven for thinking so as Glenda Standing of Woodthorpe, York, shares this letter she received from Majorca the other day.

She told me: "I was feeling rather disconcerted at the thought of my imminent 50th birthday when this amusing missive from a hotel boss in Majorca arrived on my mat!"

It reads...

'Distinguished Sra,

It is for me a great satisfaction be able congratulate read very sincerely in the day of you birthday, and to wish read that the same elapses happily in company of the beings most wanted.

I profit the opportunity to send read a cordial greet.

Rafael Taberner Manresa,

Director, Hotel Tamarix,

Cala Ferrera.'

Glenda, a psychiatric nurse at The Retreat, York, says: "We stayed at the Tamarix, a nice little hotel, just over a year ago and they must have got my birth date from my passport when me and my husband, Alistair, checked in.

"We only met Senor Manresa once and he was a nice chap," says Glenda, who will be working the night shift on her 50th next Tuesday.

"I showed it to one of our consultant psychiatrists who can speak Spanish and he read it out to us in English with a Spanish accent and it seemed to make more sense. But reading Senor Manresa's English, in English, took a bit of working out," laughed Glenda.

"But it was a nice gesture."

- MY mate was on a train heading back to York from London the other day when he overheard a conversation between three students.

One was saying how surprised he was when he saw an interview with the author of the Harry Potter books a few days earlier, because he always thought that JRR Tolkien was a bloke.

One of his friends queried this and he reiterated that he thought it was a bloke who wrote The Hobbit, Lord Of The Rings and the Harry Potter books.

At this point he looked round to see who was sniggering in the corner, and spotted my pal who couldn't contain his laughter any longer.

Eventually he took pity on the sorry students and pointed out that JRR Tolkein was dead and was definitely the bloke who wrote the classic Middle Earth books including The Hobbit and Lord Of The Rings.

He told them the author of the Harry Potter books was JK Rowling, a woman and, yes, she may have sold a lot of books, but he wouldn't go so far as to call them classics.

- AND so to... bath and bed in this steamy survey of Yorkies' habits commissioned by The Premier Lodge, York's newest hotel which officially opens on December 5. It is sited in the former Brubaker's building on Blossom Street.

It turns out 49 per cent of men in the city have admitted to playing with bathtime toys. And 40 per cent of those surveyed say they regularly use bath accessories such as rubber ducks and loofahs.

Thirty four per cent of Yorkies would rather have a hot water bottle to keep them warm in bed than the irritation of a partner.

York is almost brimful of bathtime crooners, especially among men with 66 per cent admitting that they enjoy singing in the bath or shower.

Kylie Minogue's Can't Get You Out Of My Head is the top song for 38 per cent of York's male and female population to sing while bathing.

The 'ultimate' bathroom for 62 per cent of female singles would be one where they could watch TV from a bubble bath while the 'ultimate' male bathroom, after having a power shower (69 per cent) would be one they didn't have to clean (33 per cent ).

While most males in York like their partners dressing up in sexy lingerie, three per cent of females claim that seeing their man dressed as a Viking would turn them on for a night of passion.

EastEnders is the top choice among the women of York when asked which programme would be their favourite to watch from the bath

When asked about annoying bedtime habits, more than half of the married women surveyed in York (56 per cent) complain of their husbands lying on their side of the bed, while married males' pet hate was their other half taking all the covers.

And 61 per cent of York residents find it easier to wake up to an alarm clock than a radio. Interestingly, 28 per cent of married and cohabiting males are woken up by their partner.

Ewan McGregor is the premier choice among York women when asked who would be their ideal date for a dream weekend away.

Gorgeous actress Kate Beckinsale grabbed the hearts of York males as an amazing 64 per cent said she would be their favourite choice to wine and dine on a romantic evening out.

- YOU lucky people! Here are the ten winners of my Private Eye 2001 bumper fun book competition:

Mrs B J Bennett, of Riccall; J Rambridge, Strensall, York; F Buckle, Fulford, York; P R Hawkin, Parkland Drive, Tadcaster; J McClure, Celtic Close, York; A Streeting, Pear Tree Avenue, Upper Poppleton, York; N A Adams, Fishergate, York; Mrs L West, Boroughbridge Road, York; Kevin Ross, Wigginton, York and Mrs H Boag, 31 George Street, Walmgate, York.

The correct answer to the question, Who is the editor of Private Eye? is, of course, Ian Hislop.

Congrats - the laughs are on me.

Defining moment

There is absolutely no problem with the water supply, and the basin is also in perfect working order. The only problem is we do not have pipes connecting the two - What an Indian hotel manager told TV traveller Michael Palin.