Who's that lady?

IF I had a school report revealing my ladylike credentials, I'm afraid I'd be languishing at the bottom of the class. As a young girl, when it came to handing out social graces, I was AWOL... probably hardening-up my tackling skills on the hockey pitch. Clumsy could be my middle name. If I ever had to go head to head with a bull in a china shop, I bet I'd have the heftiest breakages bill.

My most recent fall from grace left me with two broken front teeth... and just the other day I dropped a teacup in the bathroom sink and cracked the ceramic.

My walk is an inelegant bob... as if navigating a choppy sea. It's so distinctive, my partner Nick can spot me among the throng in Coney Street on a Saturday afternoon. I stumble out of cars, legs splayed like a new-born fawn.

As for grooming, well frankly I just don't have the time. My hairstyle is designed to look messy and my morning makeup routine is over in a 90-second flash.

So far, my lack of ladylike qualities does not seem to have done me any harm, but when the opportunity arose to attend a course in grooming and deportment, I wondered what brave new world I might be about to enter.

Run by Leeds-based model agency Catwalk, the one-day courses take place regularly in London and Otley. I joined seven other women - aged from late teens through to 33 - at the most recent course in Otley.

"Today ladies, you are going to learn the things which no one teaches any more," announces Catwalk's director Kate Woolhouse. Kate is the epitome of ladylike elegance with poker straight posture, a svelte figure and a confident yet warm personality.

"We will teach you how to stand, how to sit, how to take a coat off and how to wear a nightie."

Nervous giggles ripple out across the room at the mention of the word nightie. It's as if we've turned back the clock to a different age.

Undeterred, Kate ploughs on. "By the end of today you will walk into a room thinking you are the bee's knees."

Confidence is the buzz word on the course. When women walk tall, sit properly, eat in the correct way and take care with their appearance, they stand out from the crowd. And in this cut-and-thrust world where first impressions have never been more important, the message is that grooming and deportment are vital for the modern woman.

So first things first. We had to walk the walk. You know the sort of walk I mean. It's the effortless glide of the catwalk; a confident, sexy sort of shimmy that only supermodels and drag queens seem to possess.

The first surprise was how easy it is to acquire. Shoulders back, head up and looking straight ahead, place one foot in front of each other and go. It's really as simple as that. And within seconds, Kate was complimenting me on my mastering of the manoeuvre.

"That's very good Maxine, you were bending your knees too much before. Really very good," she says, beaming.

So far, so good. Next we learn how to enter a room (always face forward and close the door behind you) how to sit in a chair (back straight, legs close together - never crossed - and hands resting on top of one another on a knee in Lady Di style).

Taking off a coat without re-enacting Harry Houdini's greatest escape is also fairly easy to perfect - slip it just over your shoulders, throw your arms behind you and let it glide down your back. It's very simple, but very elegant.

Already, I'm impressed with how easy this Pygmalion adventure is turning out to be.

After a briefing on diet - "drink lots of water and eat five portions of fruit and veg a day" - it's lunchtime. No one seems to spot the irony that we're being served white sandwiches and plates of cookies. I don't mind as I'm famished and quickly tuck in. The other girls show ladylike restraint having just a couple of triangle sarnies and one cookie each.

Grooming was the next task. Make-up artist Claire Reuben quizzed us on our beauty routines which revealed there was much to learn.

Most girls didn't use a body lotion, one never used moisturiser, another never took off her mascara - just kept reapplying it and once a week scrubbing it off in the shower.

My beauty black hole was eyeshadow - whenever I put it on, I look like I've gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

Claire gave me one-to-one tuition on how to apply a full makeup: carefully doing up just one side of my face and getting me to copy it on the other side. It was a useful lesson and I picked up some good tips.

The courses are also designed to look at dress sense and co-ordination - how to use colour and wear accessories - and give tips on handling yourself in tricky social situations. And if it's wanted, women can also get a run through on the basics of social etiquette including how to eat in public and retain ladylike dignity.

Our course seemed to skim over these issues, which was a shame. And we never did get shown how to wear a nightie. Kate assured me it was not intentional and that she'd look into why this had happened. She said women of all ages - including successful businesswoman - sign up for the courses, and the feedback was generally good.

"We never advertise, it's all word of mouth," she said.

For the final, we practised walking down a grand stairwell and getting in and out of a car without flashing our knickers

I left the course walking tall, determined to put my ladylike skills into practice. Unfortunately I failed at the first hurdle, stumbling out of the car as if I'd just downed six pints. But I'm not disheartened... it will take some doing to undo the bad habits of a lifetime.

The next Catwalk School of Grooming and Deportment will take place at Otley, near Leeds on Tuesday, December 18, price £100. For more details, call 0113 245 9664.