EVERYONE knows there's stiff competition in the upwardly-mobile world of scaffolding. That's why 51-year-old Bren Harrison has been displaying his eye-catching business card in fish shops, supermarkets and cafs.

I spotted one in the Osbaldwick chippie in York and nearly choked on a chip!

It read: Viagra Scaffolding - Complete Erection Guaranteed.

When I phoned bandana-ed Bren he was on a house roof in York's Cemetery Road and was not getting a good reception... on his mobile phone, that is, not from the female occupant.

Our conversation-interruptus was peppered with cries of: "I'm fading, I'm fading!"

Not at all what I expected from a Viagra scaffolder.

Bren, who owns the real BFH Scaffolding, got the idea to make his marketing more sexy while he was working at Poor Clare's, the nunnery in Lawrence Street that does so much good for the less fortunate among us.

"I did it as a joke after I left Avalanche Scaffolding at this point I fall off my chair in paroxysms of laughter."

Pause to dab away tears... then back to the scaffolder on the roof.

Avalanche Scaffolding? You cannot be serious, Bren! You must be up the pole!

"Oh yes, Avalanche. We got quite a lot of contracts because of that name," he says.

"So I thought Viagra Scaffolding would cause quite a stir, so to speak. It's a pity most of the people who ring me for prices are men and not women!"

Hardman Bren has been doing scaffolding erections for 30 years and his saucy sense of humour has never flagged... or so he says.

I wonder what his beautiful girlfriend, Sue, has to say about that?

u Belly good news!

Judith Holmes has found a venue for her belly dancing lessons in York on Thursday nights after last week's appeal for a city centre venue for her to teach her ancient version of the hippy, hippy shake.

From October 11 she will be running classes at 41 Monkgate from 7pm-9pm thanks to Stagecoach Youth Theatre which has a new theatre and rehearsal facilities there.

"It is just next to 24-hour health centre and the two-hour sessions cost just £5," says Judith. Wannabe belly-wobblers should ring her on 01904 431859.

So get a wiggle on...

u MY colleague Chris Titley's lacklustre campaign to recognise the contribution of Claude Gaget to York has at last been given national recognition. Gaget was the Frenchman who introduced Rowntree's to pastilles 120 years ago thus, some argue, saving the business. Fruit Pastilles sales are now worth £46 million a year, yet Gaget's name is not known, and he was buried in a pauper's grave.

Chris recounted this injustice in an article back in May. Alas, no one responded to his call for a memorial to Monsieur Gaget - until now.

In October's edition of The Oldie magazine, contributor Ivor Smullen retells the Gaget story, and tells his influential readership: "A local evening paper writer has suggested that he be remembered by an annual Pastille Day."

Now will the authorities take notice?

u YOU will recall local amateur historian Peter Jackson helping York-born Ann Love, who now works in Brum, with a rundown on how many York thoroughfares end in 'gate'.

Well here are a few more, Annie love, from A. N. Onymous of York who wrote: "I thought you may like to add Goodramgate, Back Swinegate and, since Peter is being a little easy with the rules, what about Bishopgate Street, and Bretgate (off Navigation Road)?

"If you want to go a bit further afield but still in York you have to consider Fulfordgate, Melrosegate and Muncaster.

"PS, I liked the piece on great imponderables any more to come? Meanwhile try these:

"Did Nelson buy half bottles of Optrex?... and... If smoking's bad for you, why do they cure kippers?"

This is turning into the Gatest Story Ever Told....

u I AM so 'in' I've never been 'out'... of fashion, that is. I was the best hand-jiver on the block. I lived in a lighthouse.

But for you not-so-cool wrinklies pounding the pavements looking for some street cred with the great uncrinkled young 'uns, here are some words that will, at least, make you sound hip.

The following all stand for... cool: mesmeric, wix, sick, deep, bodashes, mint, oudish, the nuts, animal, mad, cracker, crovey, heavy, large, banging.

The next three are insults, so be careful or you may be considered uncool or unwix... baphead, dingbat, muffin.

And, if you are a biffin' cruiser you are an arrogant person.

There are thousands more I could list but as the language of Shakespeare, Keats and Samuel Taylor Coalshed is systematically being strangled, I'm just too bored!

Suppose this cool dude is really just a baphead.

u YOU really seem to like stupid signs so here's a further selection of howlers from globe-trotting Turpin fans.

Taken from a menu in Warsaw: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten in the country, people's fashion.

Supermarket, Hong Kong: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Hotel, Vienna: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.