THE gnome wars of Goodramgate are getting downright dirty. Now the colourful little critters are giving City of York Council the finger at the Fruit Tree general store, while over at Blue Moon Trading, gnome HQ, one is flashing his weapon in defiance after being banned from standing on the street outside the shop.

Stuart and Linda Sykes, of Blue Moon, were told take the gnomes inside on pain of prosecution, with fines up to £2,000, after someone complained to the council that the little fellas were obstructing the pavement.

Linda says: "We had seven gnomes standing close to the front of the shop and they were selling well, at £26 apiece.

"Locals and tourist used to stop and smile and even take pictures of the gnomes. Their reaction was brilliant. The gnomes raised a laugh and heaven knows we need to these days. Then the council stepped in and told us to get them inside.

"The guy from the council said 'That's my highway out there and I don't want it obstructed,'" says Linda, fuming. "His highway! Who does he think he is?"

Anyway, gnome sales slumped as Linda and Stuart's anger rose.

So Stuart, who is no DIY expert, built the chirpy little chaps a shelf to stand on, one that can be taken down each night.

"Stuart and I don't want to give in to fun-less bureaucrats just because one man complained. We know his name, he's always complaining. Now the gnomes are not standing on his highway so we will see what happens next?"

Over at the Fruit Tree, owner Nigel Walker, 33, is fighting a running battle with traffic wardens who he says are hounding him as he tries to off-load fresh and frozen supplies from his van into the shop.

"I bought one of the cheeky gnomes from Blue Moon as a gesture of solidarity and a way of gently poking fun at the council bureaucrats."

The sign near his gnome says: "I used to live at Blue Moon Trading. The council did not like me sat outside talking to all the boys and girls. So they made me homeless. The Fruit Tree has now adopted me. Please help my brothers and sisters."

Nigel says: "I go over to Leeds to my wholesalers at four every morning for fresh supplies and when I get back I get hassle from traffic wardens as I unload into my shop. I'm sick of all the aggro. I have got to get the stuff into the shop somehow."

- THE newsroom was strangely quiet last Saturday morning when a young, aspiring reporter, who will surely be a star one day, shouted to an old hack: "Hey, Martin, how do you spell Bismarck as in HMS Bismarck?"

The older head thundered back incredulously: "No such thing. It was a German battleship and we sunk the bloody thing on May 27, 1941!"

- WELCOME to the new finance and IT director of Pocklington-based Sundora Foods, that leading UK producer of dried fruit and nuts.

He is David Figg. And that's all that needs to be (fruitfully) said.

- ACHTUNG, I will only zay zis vonce...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than - Heaven forbid - German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as Euro-English.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words such as 'fotograf' 20 per cent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

- FLYING back from a two-day mini-break in Market Weighton last weekend, I was accosted on the 747 Jumbo Jet by the man in the next seat, high on duty free booze, who regaled me with these funny signs he had spotted on his many and varied journeys.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

Hotel lift, Paris: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel opposite a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.