THEY do say you grow to look like your pet and Neil Watson of Sheriff Hutton, is living proof. He was runner-up in Country Living magazine's annual Dog/Owner look-alike competition. Neil and his dog, Treacle, won a handsome dog coat made in Country Living's own 'Woof Woof' fabric and also received prizes of snacks and treats from Pedigree.

The competition was held at the Burghley Pedigree Horse Trials where the magazine had a marquee housing exhibits from small rural businesses from across the country.

Apparently Neil has taken to wearing the dog coat and Treacle never got a look in with the snacks.

Neil woofed the lot, only kidding Treacle.

Bold, brash Ken Clarke, the crumpled former Chancellor of this sceptered isle and outside favourite of two to win the Tory Leadership Stakes, popped into the Three-Legged Mare in York's High Petergate this week for a pint of Yorkshire Terrier and a ham and mustard sarnie.

Minutes earlier he had been telling York Tories at the College of Ripon and York St John how he would wipe the complacent smug grin off Tony Blair's face if he gets to lead his party in preference to Son Of Hague, Iain Duncan Smith.

Ken, the avuncular pot-bellied politician with a preference for suede shoes, small cigars and pints, turned a few heads when he and his gang of 12 swept into the Mare.

After a swift slurp Ken told barmaid Claire Holden the Yorkshire Terrier was tops then took his gang into the conservatory for a nibble and natter for about half an hour.

Last night Ken was at Harrogate Grammar School banging his leadership drum for the spa-town Tories.

Anyone who thought judges live in the past pay heed to this tale.

A month-long delay in learning her fate looked on the cards for a light-fingered defendant at York Crown Court after her counsel revealed that Barnsley magistrates had sent the paperwork to Sheffield Crown Court and it would take that long to re-unite the thief and her court file.

But Judge Gavin Barr Young reminded everyone of the uses of a fax machine and his court clerk made a quick phone call from the courtroom.

Two minutes later, while counsel for the prosecution was trying to explain why York Crown Prosecution Service had had no success all morning in contacting its South Yorkshire colleagues up stood the clerk:

"The court papers are being faxed as we speak," she said.

Half an hour later, the judge, with all the paperwork before him, sent the defendant down for nine months.

"We seem to be well into the 21st century in this court at least," he said satisfied.

As for the thief... she is in and out a month sooner.

IF I'm not made a member of the North Yorkshire East Federation of Women's Institutes any day now, my name is not Shirley Turpin.

But still the laughs roll in. This time from my eagle-eyed pal Daphne Stead of York who spotted this under the heading of 'Visits' in the latest edition of WI magazine:

Theatre outing has been planned for Wednesday, September 19 to see Seven Bridges For Seven Brothers at the Civic Theatre, Darlington. For further details ring Eileen Burn on 01845 577149.

Daphne says: "Perhaps the Seven Brothers were beating a hasty retreat but what happened to the Brides?"

Still in theatrical vein, the newly-formed Strensall Performing Arts is advertising for "a blow-up doll (no questions asked) and a blow-up shark" in the lastest edition of the parish magazine.

From Thursday, September 27 to the 29th they are performing a humorous play in Strensall Village Hall with the tongue-tripping title of: The Farndale Avenue Housing Estate Townswomen's Guild Dramatic Society's Production Of Macbeth.

Phew, after that they must be lost for words.

So I rang their chairman Richard Rayne to ask about the blow-ups.

"To be honest I don't know why they want a blow-up doll, I suppose they mean of the female variety, but I do know it is a very funny play," said Richard.

The play starts at 7.30pm on both nights and tickets (£4 with concessions for pensioners and youngsters) can be had on the door, Costcutter on Barley Rise or by ringing York 492757 or 492594.

Wonder how many blow-ups they would have needed for Guys And Dolls? I would offer mine but she smokes, so I bought her patches.

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists.

Here is a list of signs from around the world.

Hotel brochure, Italy: This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

A Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Doctor's office in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Info about using an hotel air conditioner in Kyoto, Japan: Cooles and heates: If you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude, ought to see the manager.

On the grounds of a private school in Kenya: No trespassing without permission.

River-highway crossing in China: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

In a Mexico City restaurant: Open seven days a week, and weekends too.

In an Indian maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a Cambodian cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

A Tokyo hotel: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.

Swiss restaurant menu: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Singapore bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.