So why did you do it?

What is your beef with the finest cathedral in Northern Europe?

I will meet you, alone, anywhere you choose and in the strictest confidence.

No tape-recorder, no wires, no strings.

Just tell me why you painted the words "perverts" and "child abusers" on the Minster and "vanity" on the statue of Constantine just outside.

Dick Turpin is no coppers' nark so have the courage of your convictions to stand and deliver your reasons.

Ring me on 653051 Ext 335 or e-mail on turpin@ycp.co.uk

I dare you.

u YORK-born author Andrew Martin's recent diary for Leftie mag the New Statesman contains an insight into the sort of London lifestyle journalism he parodied mercilessly in his debut novel Bilton.

He is writing about seeing celebrities in odd places. "I also saw Norman Lamont walking along Lendal in York one snowy Christmas Eve, which I mentioned to my wife the other day when she said she had dreamed she'd been commissioned to write an article about celebrities who go shopping in York en route to their holiday houses in Scotland.

"My first reaction was 'Well, it's perfectly doable', which, taken along with the original dream, signifies that both of us have been writing articles for far too long."

Far, far too long, Andrew.

Incidentally, why is it that authors who set their novels in York refuse to quote the city newspaper by name? In Martin's latest, The Bobby Dazzlers, his York cast read the 'New Yorkshire Leader', while Harland Miller's characters peruse something called the 'Evening Echo'.

If they write about a columnist called Dirk Turnip in their next opus, I'll sue.

u THESE pointers for women on how to be a good wife were published in the May 1935 edition of Housekeeping Monthly. I print them in full because I am sure all my female readers will wholeheartedly agree with the advice. Ouch, that hurt!

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer etc. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner, or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. A good wife always knows her place.

Where would you find a wife like that, these days? Have you calmed down yet, ladies?

Now I'm looking for printable advice on how to be a good husband.

Ideas please...

u SPEAKING of wives, when a young York couple got back from their honeymoon the bride immediately rang her mother who asked: "How was it, darling?"

"Oh, mum!" said the tearful bride, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Then she suddenly she wailed: "But, mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before!

"I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to let me come back home. Please mum, come and get me!"

"Sarah, Sarah," said her mother: "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mum," wept Sarah, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Still sobbing her eyes out, the bride said: "Oh, mum... words like dust, wash, iron and cook!"