RON GODFREY spends a naughty weekend at the Abbey...

OH what a saucy juxtaposition (as the actress said to the bishop). Imagine a wild and wicked four-poster weekend in the shade of an ancient ruined abbey in North Yorkshire.

And literally a stone's throw from where Holy Cistercian monks once fasted, imagine also the contrastingly sinful thrill of guzzling a naughty-but-nice five-star belly-potting feast.

It's all right. I'm no bishop. That was no actress. It was my wife. And in the name of history and occasional slightly-sinful self-pampering, we were indulging in a little (surely not illicit?) luxury at The Abbey Inn smack opposite the gothic curves and ragged shapes of Byland Abbey at Coxwold.

How could the Abbey Inn live up to that 1,000 year-old green and golden setting where Henry VIII sent his soldiers to shut the place down under terms of the dissolution?

Well, the abbey may have fallen into ruins but 300 years after the excesses of hellish King Hal, the Abbey Inn was rebuilt by the Benedictine brothers of Ampleforth under the leadership of the Abbot Father John Molyneux so the place has quite a bit of historical mood of its own.

And to cut an historically long story short, enter through its vine-covered portals Canadian-born Martin Nordli and Yorkshire-born wife, Jane; he with a history degree and a talent for organising fine food; she with a degree in economics and a genius for interior design; both with a wealth of experience as hoteliers in Dumfries.

Their new venture was more restaurant than hotel. It has but three rooms, but what rooms! I gather that ours, dubbed Abbott's Retreat, was best of the three which you would expect given the hierarchy of room names (next best was The Priors Lynn and then The Monks Rest).

The Abbott's Retreat is more of a luxury suite with large entrance hall furnished with seemingly Jacobean antiques (but actually modern Javan - testament to the power of Jane's observation). And this massive area, almost as big as my living room, is the bathroom, with chequered stone floors, stylish double-ended freestanding bath and fittings, bathrobes and aromatherapy oils...

While using the loo you can study the paintings of Grecian goddesses, naiads and nymphs, while a head and shoulders replica of Michelangelo's Boy David stares coyly into the corner.

Save your appreciative gasps for the bedroom, with its king size four-poster, oak beamed ceiling, magnificent chez longue, decorated in fluted wood friezes and tendrils, sumptuous red sofa, telly (on a cupboard packed with videos), and large paintings of Elizabethan figures lit from the small paned window overlooking that amazing abbey ruin hauntingly-lit at night.

What else? Fresh sunflowers, rare wines sticking out of a treasure chest, home made chocolates and cakes (were those strawberries actually real? Yes, they were), and dun-coloured carpet so thick your feet sink into it. We were going to like it here...

But first we went to dinner in the rambling, characterful dining rooms, each with large fireplaces, oak-stripped and deal tables, carved oak seats and Jacobean-style dining chairs on polished boards and flagstones.

The huge menu was supplemented by chalk-on-slate selections of fresh fish. For starters we both chose rosette of smoked salmon with a sour cream and fresh dill yoghurt. It was served with a freshly baked loaf of bread.

The main course for me was chicken breast on tagliatelle verdi with tomato and tarragon sauce with grilled mozzarella; for her one of the chalked up turbot dishes, both served with a burgeoning amount of new potatoes and mange tout.

I could go no further. She ploughed on happily through a lemon meringue pudding, followed by petit fours and coffee. And somehow that following morning, she managed to wade through a magnificent breakfast served by Martin on our own dining room table overlooking the Abbey. And all the while we pensively thought about those starving monks of old. Poor things.

FACT FILE

Cost of Abbott's Retreat: £110 bed and breakfast per night for two. Cost of our meal plus wine £37.20. Total for the self-pampering weekend, £147.20.

The more than acre grounds are used for wedding marquees and receptions.

Restaurant/hotel contact: Martin or Jane Nordli, The Abbey Inn, Byland Abbey, Coxwold, York YO61 4BD. Telephone 01347 868204. Fax: 01347 868678. Website: www.bylandabbeyinn.co.uk.

In the vicinity: The White Horse of Kilburn, the ruins of Rielvaux Abbey, the pretty market town of Helmsley and nearby Shandy Hall at Coxwold.