WE have had air rage, road rage, trolley rage and now... lost property rage. Staff at York's Holgate Hill Hotel recently had to cope with the phenomenon when a guest claimed a piece of jewellery - a family heirloom - had gone missing from the bedroom.

Worried that there was a thief on the prowl, hotel owner Hazel Hart immediately ordered a search of the building.

"The bedroom was turned upside down in the effort to retrieve the alleged missing article," Hazel says. "The Secret Intelligence Service couldn't have made a more thorough search."

The guest in question went into a Fawlty Towers-type fury when the item couldn't be found, says Hazel.

"We even rooted through the hotel's rubbish skips," she says.

"The guest was still adamant that the 'gem' was in the hotel somewhere, but there seemed no solution. We apologised profusely but he was just getting more and more stressed out."

Just as the guest was turning a fetching shade of puce, his friend appeared, having gone separately into York for sight-seeing and announced that the item was in another suitcase in the car - packed for safe-keeping while she took in the sights.

"The guest was suitably embarrassed and calmed down and apologised, but at one point I thought we might need to call a doctor," says Hazel.

"Thank goodness his friend turned up when she did otherwise he could have ended up in a padded cell."

The hotel is now compiling a dossier of lost property items and welcomes any former guest to return to collect their 'lost item'.

Well, Hazel that Rolex Oyster watch I left behind the radiator in room 401... may I have it back?

- GOOD luck to York-born Steve McClaren, new boss of Middlesbrough who kicked off his Premiership career against Arsenal at the Riverside this after-

noon.

The former coach of Manchester United knows he has a battle on his hands to turn bags of potential into points but he comes highly recommended by none other than his old gaffer Sir Alex Ferguson. My mate Dave Graham, prince of plasterers but an Everton supporter, told me last night: "I used to know Steve when he played football here in York. He was good, very good. I've played against him and on the same side, I think he will do well at Boro. Until they come up against Everton, that is."

These days there must be tablets you can take for Evertonitis, Dave.

u JUST over a week to go to the August Bank Holiday and already Woolworths in York's Coney Street are selling Christmas cards.

Bah, Hamburg! And that's where I'm going until the festive season is over.

That's 'yer lot folks!

- One of the more arresting sights in York last weekend must have been the chance meeting of a hen night party dressed in risque police uniforms and part of the cast of the musical Oliver!, which had been showing at the Grand Opera House.

The tipsy hens stumbled across the kids in Cumberland Street, where the young cast were tumbling out of the stage door.

"Ello, 'ello, 'ello. What's all this then? Children should be in bed by now," the truncheon-pointing women told two of the children, both aged nine, as the clocks ticked past 11pm.

It wasn't long before other cast members arrived on the scene to look at the rather wobbly women, and when they revealed that they had just had a post-show party after the last show, the 'constables' demanded an encore.

At this point, the little actors, singers and dancers burst into Consider Yourself One Of Us, to the amazement of other revellers in the area.

But the aghast policewomen regained what little composure they had to conduct the group with their truncheons.

So loud (and good) was the singing that the tiny troupers soon attracted the interest of waiters at nearby Silvano's restaurant, who stood in the doorway to hear and cheer them on.

Fortunately, no one asked for more.

u Here are some idle ramblings from the distaff side of my family.

My sister's got a tongue like a barber's strop and here she tells you what men are like:

Bank accounts - Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Blenders - You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Coffee - The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Commercials - You can't believe a word they say.

Computers - Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Coolers - Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Photocopiers - You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Curling irons - They're always hot, and always in your hair.

- THIS quote reprinted in the North Yorkshire East Federation of Women's Institutes newsletter made me chortle:

"The Nebraska Legislature was asked to pass a law to annul marriages of all couples who do not, within three years after the wedding, have at least one child by Democrat representative Robert Hines, who is a bachelor".