Labour of Love

Now word has reached me of an amazing superwoman right here in York.

She works for City of York Council, and is due to start her maternity leave at any moment.

The council usually recruits someone on a temporary basis to cover a job at a time like this. But they don't need to for this intrepid mum-to-be.

She has sent colleagues a ten-page memo outlining a duty roster for her colleagues to stick to while she is away together with a long list of areas of her work she will continue to do from home.

As if this wasn't enough she has had her work e-mail address transferred to her home for the duration of her absence.

And they say no-one is irreplaceable.

Is this hard Labour?

No... she is reported to have suggested the arrangement herself.

u Late trains up the prestigious East Coast line have caused grief for GNER during the last few days with irate passengers wailing about long delays in our news and letters columns.

One angry passenger woman sent me this to vent her frustration and get some playback:

The York to King's Cross train is creeping slowly along. Finally it grinds to a halt.

Spotting the conductor walking by outside the carriage she calls out to him through the window.

"What's going on?"

The conductor looks up and gruffly replies: "Cow on the line".

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking outside again.

She leans out of the window and yells: "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

This is not true, of course, because the 225 trains do not have windows to yell out of.

But I get where she's coming from... although it took her a long time.

u THE scene is a bustling York city centre bank where everyone is anxious to get served and get out.

A young assistant is dealing with a woman's transaction and splutters: "I'm hopeless at reading other people's writing."

The chap in the next queue leans over and says: "Thank goodness you're not a pharmacist. You could be killing your customers instead of just ripping them off!"

The woman customer smiled - the bank teller did not.

u VEGGIE Heaven is a glossy new leaflet from Marks & Sparks to promote their new range of "delicious dishes created for a healthy vegetarian lifestyle".

But I think they have flipped.

Well, have you ever heard of free-range pasta?

That is what their Asparagus Lasagne contains, according to the leaflet.

So what does battery lasagne taste like?

I suppose they mean the pasta is made with free-range eggs.

Give me leg of liver any day.

u SHOULD you be wondering why no nurse's uniform you have seen looks quite like Minnie Driver's figure-hugging get-up in the new British comedy thriller High Heels And Low Lifes, there is an explanation. Minnie's devilish rather than angelic get-up for her role as a harassed London nurse was designed for her by none other than Vivienne Westwood, the queen of British fashion.

u JULIE, queen of the computer keyboard, was driving - well, crawling - to work behind a First York bus in the city centre when her eyes spied a picture of a pair of shoes in an advert plastered on the back of the 'people mover'.

Intriguingly it read "Enhance your business credentials, walking can reduce stress and high blood pressure and lead to increased motivation. Arrive in comfort and style by walking to work."

Apparently the exhortation to walk to work comes from City of York Council and NHS Target.

Julie, not surprisingly, suggests: "Why don't bus drivers just whiz past bus queues without stopping?

"That would get people walking to work, wouldn't it?"

u My oppo The Hack invited suggestions for what to call bottled York tap water, after learning that pricey French mineral water was no better than the liquid gushing from our taps in York.

So he was thrilled to little droplets when he got the following suggestion from Graham Willard, former Managing Director of York Waterworks, no less.

"Surely it can only be Ouseau," wrote Graham.

"No other product can compete for the name on grounds of either its excellent quality or its relevance!"

Thanks, Graham.

We will gush into production forthwith.

u THE search is on for Britain's sexiest fat bloke!

Chat magazine is offering £1,000, plus a glitzy makeover, to the man whom their readers reckon is the best-looking porker in the country.

The mag is to give fatties a chance with their Mr Fat 2001 competition after some readers said they were fed up with always seeing skinny wimps as models.

Editor Paul Merrill told me: "You don't have to look like David Beckham or George Clooney to be good looking or sexy.

"Our readers like something to get hold of. And this competition celebrates Britain's growing army of beer bellies. Women should be proud of their overweight men and recognise their sexiness!"

Apparently new research has shown it's better to be a few pounds overweight than always on a yo-yo diet.

As long as you do some exercise it's perfectly safe to have a couple of extra inches.

Send your own, or your man's details, including name and address (plus daytime contact number), weight, age, and size with a picture, if possible, to: Mr Fat 2001, Chat, King's Reach Tower, Stamford Street, London SE1 9LS as soon as possible. The winner will be announced later this year.