Kissing you already

A kissing history:

Ancient Greeks did it, the Romans did it, even early Christians did it. The "holy kiss" still figures in Roman Catholic rituals. According to legend, the Pope in the 8th century was so fed up of women squeezing his hand as they kissed it, he cut it off and proffered his foot instead.

Kiss off:

Not everyone's as keen as us, however. "A surprising number of Asian (and African and South American) groups have learned to view mouth-to-mouth kissing as dirty, dangerous, and disgusting, something akin to sticking one's tongue in another's nose and wiggling it around." Leonore Tiefer, in the 1998 Kinsey lecture.

Kiss-Me-Quick:

Anyone sporting this slogan on a plastic seaside hat is unlikely to be kissed, with alacrity or otherwise.

Kissing under the mistletoe:

This Christmas tradition dates back at least to the 17th century. The correct procedure is that a man should pick a berry each time he kisses a girl under the mistletoe, and the kissing should stop when the last berry is gone. Rod Hall, of Hemingbrough, near Selby, has invented musical mistletoe, which he described as "a tongue-in-cheek idea".

Heir kissing:

A royal life in three snogs... On his wedding day, Prince Charles hesitantly kissed Diana on the Buckingham Palace balcony, to the cheers of the world. Eleven years later she publicly rebuffed his kiss during a polo match in Jaipur and we knew they'd had a spat (and what a spat). Last month he pecked Camilla on the cheek, and the world went crazy again. Why is unclear. A man who compares himself to a tampon when describing his relationship with Camilla is on more than cheek-pecking terms, we must surmise.

Kissing the baby:

Since the photo-opportunity was invented, MPs have been planting smackers on the heads of innocents. Tony Blair upped the ante by producing a baby of his own to snog. William Hague responded by resembling one himself. But political smooching is not restricted to babies. Al Gore famously sucked his wife Tipper's face to try to win votes in the last US elections. Naughty MP Piers Merchant did the same with his wife to make up for sleeping with a 17-year-old girl. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

Stealing a kiss:

When Irene Saez was mayor of Caracas, capital of Venezuela, she banned kissing in public parks. In 1998, councillors in Warrington took a similar killjoy attitude when they considered introducing "No Kissing" signs on railway stations. Even brief encounters snarled up the station car parks, they argued.

Lesbian kisses:

The sure-fire ratings winner for an ailing soap. Anna Friel has built a movie career on the back of her smooch with Kerrie Taylor in Brookside. The series later resurrected the idea, this time involving Claire Sweeney, who took to hiding in the Big Brother house to keep away from the mucky-minded producers. And a whole series of lesbians have donned wellies and paraded through Emmerdale, but Zoe Tate still has to find her true love.

Sporting smackers:

This weekend's Wimbledon winners will ritually snog the silverware, and footballers canoodle one another after a goal. Former manager Brian Clough took to kissing anyone who moved towards the shaky end of his reign. Oddly, David Beckham doesn't restrict his kissing to other players. In his autobiography he says he can't stop smooching his wife, and he got a congratulatory kiss from son Brooklyn when Manchester United won the league.

Movie moments:

Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey enjoyed the longest screen kiss in the 1941 film You're In The Army Now. The kiss lasted three minutes and five seconds, or long enough to pop out for a hot dog and still have time for a large Fanta. Famous screen kisses of the past include Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in Gone With The Wind. He did warn her: "You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how." Steve Martin, in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, put his romantic intentions another way: "My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face." And when Groucho Marx was found kissing a showgirl in real life, he said to his wife: "Kissing her? I was whispering in her mouth."

The act of kissing:

This weekend, The Sun alleged that Barbara Windsor hates kissing fellow EastEnders' star Michael Elphick because he smells of drink. Tony Curtis said of love scenes with Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot: "It's like kissing Hitler".

Social kissing:

"Oh, darling, how super to see you! Mwah, mwah, mwah!" Apparently this is now the only acceptable greeting at York's working men's clubs.

Kiss of death:

The most memorable death-bed smacker since Hardy stuck one on Nelson was Sergeant Lewis's peck on the forehead of Morse in the morgue.

Kissing statistics:

- Couples remember up to 90 per cent of the details of their first kiss

- 39 per cent of British men expect nothing more than a kiss on the first date, with 11 per cent ruling out sex

- 53 per cent of Yorkshiremen would hit a man who tried to kiss them