Just dial a lie

CHRIS Evans has let his fans down, his bosses down but most of all he's let himself down. We expected more from one of Britain's brightest talents - much more. Evans has been staging round-the-clock booze benders with showbiz pals and his attractive young wife in the full glare of the media. So at least he's doing something right.

If a celebrity squillionaire with more houses than sense failed to act in such a reckless fashion, the British public would be baffled and disappointed.

While Evans's pub jaunts have entertained a nation bored by Big Brother, Virgin Radio bosses have been left fuming. He was supposed to be working for them, after all.

But hey, he deserves some quality time after slaving away for two hours a day except for a measly 12 weeks' annual holiday.

So it wasn't his failure to turn up at work that shocked and appalled Britain. It was how he justified his absence. He phoned in sick.

Or, more probably, he got 18-year-old pop star wife Billie Piper to phone in sick for him. "Hello? Virgin Radio? Yes, it's Mrs Evans here. It's Chris. He's not too well I'm afraid. It's a touch of the flu I think..."

How pathetic. How dismal. Is this the best the nuclear brain behind Big Breakfast and TFI Friday can manage? Perhaps the critics are right. Perhaps his wits are wilting.

No wonder Virgin bosses have sacked Evans, saying he humiliated them. Of course he did - if that's the best excuse their star performer can manage they are bound to be embarrassed.

Evans should have come to me. For years I have been head of a shadowy business operation called Excuse Me Inc (the original EMI). It specialises in providing alibis in a hurry for everyone who needs one, no questions asked.

Some firms have ethical objections about taking money from children. Not us. Some of our best customers are schoolchildren, and that is why Excuse Me Inc has an entire Homework Division.

Today it sounds clichd. But in 1964, when a teacher demanding an assignment was first told by a child that "the dog ate it", the educational establishment reeled. That was one of our prototype excuses, and it is still being used now, albeit to lesser effect.

You may have read about some of our more contemporary homework excuses. I was doing a bungee jump; my Internet connection crashed; I was distraught at the break-up of Take That or Boyzone (insert name of current band here); the wheels of my scooter came off; my house burned down (NB: only credibly used once). We also offer sage advice: if citing the funeral of a relative, make it a cousin - you have an inexhaustible supply of them, but only four grandparents.

Many of our adult clients have been with us since school days. Work is such a drag, and holidays are so short, that staff are only right to want a few extra days off here and there. How do you arrange them without arousing suspicion? Call 0800-Excuse-Me.

Here are a few free samples. Tell them to your boss, then buzz off to the beach. "My pet dog is in the freezer and I have to get it to the taxidermist before he adheres to the sausages." "I can't find my wooden leg." "The voices told me to stay at home and clean the guns."

The real money is in the corporate excuse market of course. And that is booming, thanks to so many firms having to explain a profits slump. If in doubt, blame the public. Thornton's had bad quarterly results. We told the chocolate chiefs to say it was the consumers' fault for not eating enough Easter eggs.

By far our best business clients are the train operating companies. When British Rail disappeared, we thought our best cash cow had hit the buffers. How wrong we were. Rail privatisation actually saw companies competing to come up with the best excuses for overcrowding, delays and cancellations.

Some of them just bought in bulk, with "previous under-investment" our most popular line. But others were after something a little more eye-catching. The boffins in our Innovations Department didn't let us down. They began with the wrong type of snow moved on to the wrong type of leaves and just got better and better...

"The train ran out of fuel": Virgin, 1999

"The train could not leave until the driver had finished his sandwich"- Great Western Railways, 1997

"The driver is sunning himself on the Algarve and there is no one else to drive the train"- Great Western Trains, 1997

"I'm sorry, we're lost"- driver of a Great Western train (bless 'em), 1997

"Buddleia on the line"- Railtrack, 2000.

Every one class, pure class. And there are many more like that in development. Demand has never been so high.

Another extremely profitable arm of our business is that which deals with the courts.

Have you been asked to serve your country by performing the ancient and solemn duty of deciding upon a fellow man's innocence or guilt on jury service? Can't be bothered? Give Excuse Me a call. In 1999 two-thirds of those called to be jurors got out of it. Now that's a track record.

If only more defendants called us. Then we would prevent debacles like the York man whose best excuse for stealing a car was that he was "too lazy to walk". Or the North Yorkshire vandal who told magistrates he had missed a day's community service because he "simply could not get out of bed".

Such amateurism makes me shudder.

Inspired by Excuse Me's success, other entrepreneurs are now setting up in the mitigation business. For instance, an Essex pub landlord installed a special phone booth which adds authentic sound effects to any drinker's excuse for being late home (bustling office, traffic jam etc).

Then there's the Argentinian businessman who provides a complete adultery kit for lying Latin lovers: fake invitations to conferences, airline tickets, certificates of attendance and so on. Very impressive.

But these interlopers will never steal away our highest profile serial clients: football managers.

They are the ones who always insist that they will give "no excuses" for a dismal result and then reach for our specially prepared list.

Alex Ferguson is the best because he practises so hard (a lesson for all wannabe excuse-makers). A few seasons back, we suggested he blame a defeat by Southampton on Manchester United's grey shirts. Fergie delivered this line with a poker-straight face. Masterly.

Trevor Francis is challenging him, though. Remember when he said Birmingham City's defeat by Stockport was because the "grass was too long"? Yup, that was one of ours.

Now, I must fly. We've got the builders in and they have discovered an authentic Van Gogh in the wall of the kitchenette.

Updated: 11:03 Friday, June 29, 2001