Snail biting experience

Mum Traci tells me: "During the recent wet spell we had quite a few snails in the backyard. Jordan's four-year-old sister Demi rushed into the kitchen yelling 'Mummy, Jordan's eating a snail.'

"I went outside saw the shattered snail shell and found Jordan merrily munching away.

"I opened his mouth and almost vomited as I hoicked the snail out. He went wild," says Traci who told me Jordan thinks nothing a picking up days old pieces of bread left out for the birds and snacking.

You may remember Jordan's dad Paul, the York bus driver who had a bit of bovver with the infamous self-raising bollard in Stonebow a few weeks ago. Ace guitarist Paul tells me: "Jordan's a great kid... next week we are taking him for a big blow-out - Kennomeat and chips."

u MY mate Wolfman was having a slurp with his mate Syd in the Crown And Cushion at Welburn, near York, and talking about the £8 million Leonardo DaVinci cartoon discovered in some dusty nook of Castle Howard.

The pricey picture goes on show at the great country pile from today and Syd shocked Wolfman with: "I'm going to go and see it soon as I can!"

Wolfman: "I never took you for a culture vulture, Syd."

Syd: "I'm not. I'd just like to see a scrap of paper that's worth eight million quid!"

u Heard about the Fulford road rage shuffle? The newly-laid-out junction of Fulford Road and Broadway, York, has been leaving drivers fuming after a lack of information from the engineers.

Overnight, recently, the direction of the carriageway's twin lanes was altered without any apparent warning.

Leaving the city, the right hand lane - formerly for straight ahead - suddenly became a right-turn lane; while the left lane changed to a straight-ahead road.

The lanes were marked with directional arrows, but that is no consolation once drivers have committed and anyway cannot see the arrows for the cars in front. So drivers have been caught in the wrong lanes and all competing for the single route ahead beyond the lights.

Fists have been shaken and horns tooted in anger. Perhaps you know if any incidents have ended in fisticuffs or bent fenders?

u CHURCH magazines are jam-packed with hilarious misprints and rib-ticklers... if you know where to look. These verger on the ridiculous:

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, Break Forth Into Joy.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church on Wednesday.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The sixth-formers will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church crypt on Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev and Mrs Adams.

On Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk should please come early.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon will be What Is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

lThe Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

lThe minister unveiled the church's new contributions campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

u THERE is always a risk in pointing out a fault in others, and so it was that the Yorkshire Post's cricket correspondent came a cropper in his review of Dazzler, the blood-and-bullets autobiography of England and Yorkshire cricket hero Darren Gough.

Robert Mills took Gough to task for not knowing the names of some of his Yorkshire team mates, noting how he referred in print to M Lamb, "which presumably means Michael Lumb" and Paul Hutchison as Hutchinson, and while he said the former could have been a typographical error, there was "no excuse" for the latter error.

Mills went on to lament that "sadly this fault is not corrected by his collaborator David Norris, cricket correspondent of the News Of The World".

Presumably he means David Norrie, the aforesaid NoW scribe. Your excuse, please, Mr Mills?