'Blair declares war on yobs and vandals" proclaimed a tabloid headline. What better cause to follow if the "grey" vote is to be won. But from where is he to recruit the troops to fight his battles, and who will lead them in the field?

Not our chosen corps of councillors, who are too often put to flight by the irregular forces of anti-social behaviour.

No, not them, unless they can imitate the action of tigers, stiffen their sinews, summon up their blood, and disguise their fair natures with hard-favoured rage. They would need to do all that, and find a latter day Henry V to lead them.

Sorry, I was getting carried away by Tony Blair's declaration of war, so I'll come down to earth and provide some simple examples of the ineffectiveness of our "field commanders".

The much-needed waste paper salvage bank, which was outside the Foxwood Lane shops, became a target for arson by pyromanic yobs. Nearby residents complained about the smoke and burnt paper that was blown onto their property. The council capitulated and had the paper bank moved to a "safer" site - the car park near Acomb Park shops. I have noted that the bank is being used, and hasn't yet been set alight. I hope it never is, for it is very near to what remains of Quaker Wood. Meanwhile, the environmentally-conscious residents of Foxwood are obliged to fill their wheelie bins with waste paper - so much for recycling!

In another minor skirmish with yobbish litterlouts, our council's forces were again bested when a much-needed rubbish container, sited at the bus shelter at the top of Foxwood Lane, was regularly tipped into a ditch. Rather than secure it, the council had it removed. Rubbish now accumulates in the hedgerow and ditch.

The recently-erected bus shelters are much appreciated by the bus-travelling public, but graffitists and worse are already targeting them. This unsightly and upsetting vandalism must be curbed; otherwise the cost of maintaining the shelters is likely to put another unreasonable strain on council funds.

If the Prime Minister's crusade against yobbery is to be supported, our leaders need to abandon obsequious vote-catching practices and develop some German "Zivilcourage" (the courage to express unpopular opinions) and not bow the knee to those who challenge our lawfully-established order.

Cry "God for Harry! England and St. George!" Oh, dear, there I go again.

Speaking of England, and immigration, my philosophy has always been: when in Rome wear a toga. As far as I am concerned immigrants, of whatever hue, are welcome to share our sceptered isle, that is, of course, while there is still space to accommodate them, provided they are prepared to work, pay their taxes, obey our laws, fight our wars, accept the more agreeable aspects of our culture and customs, and fully integrate with the exotic cocktail of diverse races we have become, which some of us are still proud to call British.

A story about a woman shopper, who injured herself when she slipped on a grape in Sainsbury's and was awarded £23,000, came to mind when I failed to watch my step (unwise when walking on the undulating pavements of Acomb's Front Street) and nearly trod on a banana skin. A lucky escape, I thought, for who would pay me a similar sum for injuring myself by slipping on this errant fruit wrapping?

The news report headlined "Army pays for breast ops" caused me to shudder with revulsion. Surely, I thought, the military are not so short of infantrymen that our female soldiers are to be turned into Amazon warriors. I read on and learnt that the military operations were not mastectomies, but breast implants. My revulsion turned to incredulity.