I WAS going to run this as a competition... Put a cross for where you think the Minster is. But that would have been far too naughty. So, as Kenneth Williams used to say: "Stop messing about..."

No visit to this fair city would be complete without a visit to the Minster. And no picture of this fair city would be complete without it including this magnificent structure.

But amateur photographer and avid Press reader Tony Neal, of Highthorn Road, York, noticed it was missing one day during one of his many perambulations around the city.

On this particularly misty day, the building, where 58-year-old Tony once sang in the choir, could not be glimpsed above the rooftops from the bar walls.

"York Minster apparently disappeared for a time, during unusual misty conditions," he says. "Very strange."

At first I thought Tony's picture had been digitally doctored on computer but having taken professional advice - my mate Syd the snapper - I have to admit it is a pukka pic.

I thank Tony for his contribution. If you have any strange, amazing, funny photos just, well, put me in the picture...

You know where to find me, even on misty days.

BIG Bob is an engaging sort of fellow; good company over a couple of pints of falling down liquid, the sort of guy who never ducks his round and hates mobile phones even more than I do.

He's an all round good egg and... a complete moron when it comes to anything vaguely technical, no matter how basic.

This week Big Bob, from Bishophill, decided to take advantage of an Internet supplier's offer of 50 free surfing hours and eagerly slotted the trial CD sent to him into his usually idle computer.

He had visions of sending e-mails to friends in such far flung exotic places as Wilberfoss and Wetwang. He even had dreams of ordering Sweet and Sour Oxo cubes from his favourite Chinese take-away.

The little CD was to be Bob's passport to the planet. York today, this afternoon the world!

He turned on his computer and modem and loaded the software... but failed to connect to the world wide web.

A two-hour free-phone call to someone called Alan at the Internet supplier's helpline HQ in Waterford, southern Ireland, ensued.

Alan patiently took him through every conceivable permutation of solutions until Big Bob didn't know whether he was in the park or the pictures.

In exasperation Alan finally said: "Either there's something wrong with your modem or your computer's on the blink."

He sighed and signed off, presumably to save his job and his firm phone money and the moron felt like it was the end of an Eire.

Then two minutes later Big Bob noticed something...

His modem was on all right but the phone-link to the wall socket was not plugged in, hence no connection to www.

Big Bob's girlfriend, who had been watching all this, was crying with laughter.

"Wait till I tell your mates down the pub," she howled.

Big Bob's now online... but now he drinks in a boozer where no one knows him.

WITH the Minstermen teetering perilously close to edge of football league oblivion what do fans fall back on?

Black humour, that's what.

Faithful Turpin reader Ada Laff from Heworth sent me this morale-boosting rib-tickler...

Did you hear about the York City director who crashed his car into a building after Exeter thrashed the Minstermen 3-0 at Bootham Crescent last Saturday?

When he regained consciousness he asked what happened.

He was told: 'You're suffering from shock, you've crashed into the Alliance.'

'Hellfire,' replied the director, 'what happened to the Conference League?'

I AM so tired!

Yes I'm tired. For years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build up and other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

But I've found that it ain't that.

I'm tired because I am overworked.

The population of this country is 51 million.

Twenty-one million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million in school.

That leaves 11 million to do the work.

Two million are unemployed and four million are employed by the government. That leaves five million to do the work.

One million are in the armed forces which leave four million to do the work.

Three million are employed by county borough councils leaving one million to do the work.

There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prison.

That leaves two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you are sitting on your backside reading this.

No wonder I'm bl**** tired.

The hit-and-run victim from Easingwold was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the rozzer.

"But the car hit you from behind," said the puzzled officer. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognised the laugh," he wailed.

AN eagle-eyed solicitor was walking down the street when he saw a two-car smash.

He rushed over and started handing out his business cards, saying: "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."