Romance barred

Customers seeking to escape the relentless romantic trappings of February 14 will find a haven in York's Yates's in Church Lane, where anything to do with Cupid, love, hearts and flowers is banned.

They are promised a quiet drink without being forced to hear soppy ballads, like Chris de Burgh singing Lady In Red or Lionel Ritchie's Three Times A Lady; they can eat dinner without having to watch couples snogging or holding hands and won't be forced to hide from serenading musicians or people selling single roses.

Instead, only singles will be welcome - with the emphasis on having a good time, either alone or with friends.

To help the newly-divorced survive Valentine's Day, anyone who takes along a copy of his or her decree absolute will get a free drink.

Yates's say it is their way of wishing them well in their new lives.

As a further reward for customers celebrating their independence Yates's will also be offering some doubles at single prices.

"Valentine's Day is all very nice if you're a couple and in love, but it can be a nightmare for single people", says Yates's retail sales director, Nigel Wright.

"People without a partner can be shy, embarrassed or just plain bored with the whole concept. We realised that there are few places where single people can go where they won't be confronted with mushy, romantic nonsense, so we decided to make our bars romance-free havens.

"We think there's too much pressure on single people at this time of year and wanted to tell them that there's somewhere they can go to have a good time, away from all the commercialism of Valentine's Day and the expectations about being in love", he added.

Stone me Nigel, I didn't just come up the Ouse in a banana boat.

Call me a cynical old romantic but I can't help thinking you can hear bar tills ringing instead of wedding bells.

- A GEEZER of advanced years, whom I shall call Hoardy Murphy, from a place just outside of York, got an "electric" shock when he thought his life savings weren't worth a light.

He had stashed away around 1,000 old £20 notes - yes, twenty grand! - featuring Michael Faraday, the man who discovered electricity.

The notes will no longer be legal tender after February 28 - they have been replaced by new ones "starring" composer Sir Edward Elgar.

When Hoardy heard this shocking news he rang a York bank to find out if he could exchange fading Faradays for elegant Elgars.

Shock, horror, terror... they said they didn't offer such a service.

Luckily for him it was a simple communication misunderstanding.

They thought he was bonkers and he thought they were miserable old bankers.

But it turns out all banks will exchange the old style notes for new style ones before or after the cut-off date.

Hoardy ought be laughing all the way to the bank... for more reasons than one.

- PASSENGERS' spirits are sagging on the early morning Northern Spirit trains between Hull-Selby-York. They are often late or cancelled for all sorts of reasons, including no conductor, no driver etc. Recently there was no driver. Forty-five minutes later the passengers travelling to Hull from York were told: Don't worry he is on his way, he is coming from Hull!

But two recent incidents take the biscuit!

One morning this week the train to Leeds via Church Fenton failed to arrive. When one of the cold, angry passengers waiting on the platform at Church Fenton telephoned to find out why, he was told it had been cancelled.

Patiently he asked why this had not been put over the public address system. The voice on the other end of the telephone replied: "Because it is still dark".

What he presumably meant was that a booming message might waken sleepers in nearby houses.

On Thursday, the train from Selby to York was late. The wacky excuse this time was "the train was too long".

So the train is not standing at Platform 5 because it's too long and still dark...

Punch my ticket!

- THE York branch of Help The Aged has fallen prey to weasel words in an advert for an "income generation manager." In plain words they want a... fundraiser.

- The University of York got a back-handed compliment during the one-off BBC1 drama Judge John Deed, starring Martin Shaw.

One lawyer droned on about their respective undergraduate offspring and said to Judge Deed: " At least yours is at Sussex where you can see her. Mine's gone to York and I don't think I'll ever see him again."

In their latest in-house university magazine a caption writer sees this remark as a plus for the city with the exhortation: "Come to York and get away from your parents."

Stuff Sussex! If York was good enough for the Vikings and Romans, it's good enough for me.