THIS week's column comes with a free picture. This offer is not likely to be repeated, or certainly not unless something better comes along.

The picture reproduced here is of a new logo for Labour. This logo does not replace the other one, the red rose, but is used on new merchandising. So should you wish to send Tory leader William Hague a pair of Labour cuff-links just to be annoying, this is the symbol that would adorn them.

This emblem can also be found on mugs and so forth, as well as a forthcoming line, the new Peter Mandelson dartboard.

Quite why Labour has come up with this logo is a bit of a mystery. Just what it represents is even more of a puzzle.

Here are some quick observations drawn from the finest brain this column could muster. This logo represents a heart. Or it might show a stickman jumping in the air. It might just show someone parachuting. Or then again, it could illustrate a voter's cross (or even an angry voter).

But if it's a heart, why is there a hole in the middle?

Or if we favour the stickman theory, why is he standing in front of a woman sunbathing topless?

If the parachute is preferred, what does this say about Labour?

Parachuting is said to be fun, but it tends to be necessary when a plane is crashing. Is this logo intended to bring to mind someone bailing out from a stricken Labour Party? That's hardly encouraging. Anyway, Tony Blair doesn't hand out parachutes to those leaving the party in a hurry, as Mandelson discovered. Nope, you are just shown the hatch and told to jump. As for the cross, any voter who made that mark would surely have spoiled their ballot paper.

Symbols stand for something, yet this one doesn't seem to represent anything at all. The red rose is a robust icon, though the colour might be a problem for Tony Blair, as it is usually equated with socialism, which must be embarrassing for him. He could always grow a hybrid rose, a sort of off-pink, thornless New Labourish rose.

At a time of pre-election nerves, stand-offs and William Hague moaning on and on like the wind over the Yorkshire moors, it seems odd for Labour to confuse everyone by introducing this wishy-washy alternative logo. And allying the party to a holed-heart, parachuting voter stickman is even stranger.

What sort of a message does that represent?

A FANCY springs to mind. With the election expected sometime soon, we are in for weeks and weeks of politicking. But here is a way to speed matters up. Bring on Nigel Lythgoe from ITV's Popstars to host the elections.

Enter the first contestant in this political talent contest, smiling awkwardly and wearing his best weekend jeans.

Tony begins to sing in a quavering voice: "Things can only get better..."

Nasty Nigel says: "You sang that one at the last auditions. Next, please."

In swaggers a cocky bald man, who says: "You paid the tax, where are the police?"

Nigel interjects: "No soundbites. You're meant to be singing..."

"The long and winding road..."

"Yup," says Nigel. "That's the one you are on, William."

The third contestant has reddish hair and the appearance of a teenager propelled suddenly and unexpectedly into the sofa stage of life.

"Here I am, stuck in the middle with you..."

"Yes, young Kennedy, it looks like you are. Next..."