What she wants

She says: OKAY fellas, I'll let you in on a secret. You want to know what women want? Well, here's a list: a high-flying career and a satisfying home life; a Jennifer Lopez figure and chocolate eclairs for elevenses; a man who turns you on, but can also replumb the bathroom/knock up a Jamie Oliver dinner/charm your parents/amuse your mates and show devotion to your children/cat/goldfish. And bring you flowers without it being your birthday, anniversary or St Valentine's Day.

Yep, you've guessed it. Women want it all. Now is that too much to ask?

Unfortunately, it is. Most women would like all of the above, but realise it exists somewhere on fantasy island. Instead, we make choices and compromises.

We'll pass on a promotion so we can pick up our kids from school; we'll trade a size ten figure for the pleasure of food we love to eat; we'll settle for nice, familiar sex now and then in return for a secure, cosy home life. Just don't expect us to do so without complaint.

If we give off confusing signals, seem up one day and down the next (or even within the same 24 hours) it's not necessarily TTOTM (the time of the month). It could be that we feel frustrated or even a bit of a failure.

And who can blame us when the image of the 21st century woman is one of the coping all-rounder, juggling the roles of worker/wife/mother/ homemaker/lover/friend while never having a ladder in our tights, a hair out of place or an unmanicured nail.

What we really, really want from a man is some understanding.

Someone who appreciates the frustrations of life. Someone who sees the funny side of our somewhat skewed take on ourselves. Someone who when asked: "Does my bum look big in this" would never say yes. Even if it was true.

Someone who surprises us with their thoughtfulness. It doesn't have to be expensive bouquets of flowers or fancy dinners out. Running a hot bath full of bubbles; bringing us a cup of tea in bed; making dinner during the week; watching Sex In The City with us without complaining that Top Gear is on the other side; phoning us during the day just to say hello; holding hands in the street.

Simple really: someone who loves us.

He says: FOR all its clichs about neurotic, bitchy women and men's need to tap into their feminine side, the new screwball romantic comedy What Women Want does elicit one useful piece of information.

We learn, in a brief moment of escape from the film's reservoir of candy-floss, that Sigmund Freud died at 83 still asking one question: What Do Women Want?

If couch doctor Freud, the ultimate analyst of the human psyche, couldn't fathom out women's desires, then what chance have mere mortals, consigned to stumbling around in the dark, searching for clues in women's magazines?

Then again, those magazine articles telling women what they should want from their men serve only to make you feel inadequate when it comes to looks, dress sense, sexual prowess, financial resources.

Bewilderment set in early in life in the case of yours truly, one of three brothers, with no sisters, educated at all-boys schools. The female form was elevated to pin-up status (singer Olivia Newton John, pre-Grease, singing Take Me Home Country Roads on Top Of The Pops ); and to crushes (neighbour Claire Seed, later to be Kim Tate in Emmerdale); and to pedestals (where flowers would look much better).

Cowering in corners at parties, to avoid eye contact with these exotic creatures, was hardly a fast track to discovering what a girl might want, and when I finally popped out from the teenage undergrowth, I had my head bitten off by a young fashion designer for suggesting we were about to have an interesting conversation. "Interesting, why?". All confidence slithered away before I could mention to my new creative acquaintance my involvement in student theatre, an arts magazine and a comedy revue team.

Only through subsequent experience have I learnt that what women want is invariably different to what you think they might want - unless a list is left on the shaving mirror - and that just when you reckon you have fathomed it out, they move the goal-posts. Oops, sorry about the football imagery.

Part of the problem for men is that it is always more important what the woman wants than the man: a disadvantage compounded by only knowing what the woman requires once she has told you in reaction to your initial, wrong opening gambit.

Women like to be in control in private, but want the man to be assertive with others in public, by taking control of situations... until the woman interjects when you flounder.

Above all, so my wife and her girlfriends tell me, women want to be surprised by a caring action: hotel weekends away, tickets, presents, even warmed bed socks. However, the challenge comes in calculating which surprise a woman might most crave, and when.

Wrong present - never underwear - and the dog house beckons.

What the people say...

A BLANK cheque to spend at Marks & Spencer, a man who is reliable, loadsamoney and to be happy.

These were just some of the answers we got from shoppers in York city centre when we asked them that burning question: What do women want?

Friends Sue Leadley and Nicky Price, both divorced mums, had very different views.

"I'd like a man who listens - they never do," said Nicky, 30, of Barlby, who is engaged to be married again.

"Women want security, but more money," says Sue, who lives with her new partner. "Women like to be independent nowadays - I'm very independent."

Money was a goal for 20-year-old Nicola Simmons, of York. "But being in love and being happy are important too," she added. As was having a nice home.

But she wasn't very sympathetic to women who didn't have what they wanted. "It's their own fault. You can't rely on anybody else to give you what you want."

The question provoked some defiant comments from colleagues at Accessorize in Parliament Street.

"Women want men to be reliable," declared Claire Sweeting, 24, who has a boyfriend. "We want men to know what we want without having to tell them."

Jo Hawkins, 22 and single, agreed. "After all, they don't give us any tips on how to understand them."

Lovain Bellerby, 35 and divorced, was more prescriptive. "We want someone who can cook, who understands and listens. An equal."

Claire Holmes, the 22-year-old assistant manageress at Whittard's in Parliament Street, had just broken up with her boyfriend and knew exactly what she wanted. "A good man, enough money and happiness."

Men often joke they have no idea what women want, but the chaps we spoke to were more forthcoming.

"Money," cried Jeremy Bishop, a 49-year-old divorc from West Sussex, who was in York with his 18-year-old son David to check out a course at the university.

"Shoes," pitched in David. "Women like lots of shoes."

Perhaps Brazilian Carlos Lahoz, 37, currently working at York University, had some more insight?

"They want money, an important social position. They want to get married, but expect other things in life too."