Relate helps couples and individuals with relationship problems

Q I've been with my husband for eight years and now realise that I'm no longer in love with him. There's something missing. It feels like he's my best friend. He is trying hard by doing more practical things around the house but this is not the answer. I think we need to spend more time doing things together. I've tried talking to him to try to develop common interests and bring back some romance but it's not working. He becomes anxious when I raise the subject, fearing I'm going to walk out, so I now keep my thoughts and feelings to myself but this is making me angry. I want to be sure that I'm not giving up too soon but what else can I do?

A From what you tell me it appears that you have a great deal going for you both - friendship and a desire to make the relationship work. You mention that something is missing and I'm wondering if your husband may have sensed your unhappiness. This could have made him less confident, nervous and resulted in him trying too hard to please you, which might have driven you further away. What you have described is not unusual and you have already made a start in trying to improve things. You mention that you are starting to feel angry. The anger is likely to grow as long as the situation remains unresolved so perhaps now would be a good time for you both to see a Relate counsellor. A neutral, third party might give you both the space you need to sort out your marriage. And even if the marriage is, ultimately, to end, at least you can take comfort in knowing that you can continue to receive unbiased support while the worst of the pain is being felt.

Painful end

Q I am a 29-year-old secretary and am feeling down at the moment as I've just ended my relationship with the man I've been living with for the past three years. We have grown up and grown apart, the spark just isn't there any more. I feel so empty now that he's gone and am wondering if I did the right thing.

A It takes a lot of courage to break up a relationship when you've been together for a while; many people stay in relationships because it's easier than having to cope with the upheaval of finishing it and end up unfulfilled and unhappy with their partner. You will feel down for a while and nothing that I, or anyone else tells you is going to make you suddenly feel better. Ending a relationship can be very stressful and is often a very lonely time, but you won't always feel like this and you should keep reminding yourself of this. If you just try to remind yourself every single day that you won't always feel like this, you should come through it okay.

This is just a small part of your life, but with time (and I realise that this is probably the most annoying thing people will tell you!) you will start to feel better. In fact it probably won't take as long as you imagine.

Sometimes, even if the decision felt right at the time, it can feel wrong afterwards because all the familiarity in your life has disappeared. If you're strong enough to make the initial break, which you obviously are, then you're probably strong enough to deal with the after effects too. Just try to keep in mind why you ended the relationship in the first place when you're feeling uncertain and having doubts.

u York and Harrogate Relate can be contacted by telephone on 01904 625971 and 01423 502173.

Next week, nutritionist Dr Damien Downing takes the hot seat. If you have a query about health, fitness or relationships, write in confidence to: The Experts, Features Department, Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York, YO1 9YN, with your name, address and daytime telephone number, (these details will not be published). Also, you can e-mail questions to: maxine.gordon@ycp.co.uk. We regret that our columnists are unable to reply to individuals.