Slow and behold

"Excuse me, sir," he says. "Are you aware that you're dawdling?"

"Pardon?" you say.

"You're dawdling, sir. You were in the pedestrian fast lane, and you were walking at well below the three mph minimum speed."

"I never was!" you protest. "I was doing at least four!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but you were caught on the speed camera, and there's no question. I'm afraid I have no option but to issue you with a ticket for dawdling. The rules are quite clear. If you want to walk slower than three mph you must walk in the slow lane. Dawdling in the fast lane is an incitement to pavement rage."

I'll give you pavement rage, you think: but you pay your £10 on-the-spot fine meekly and move on, grateful at least not to have been done for walking without due care and attention.

Sounds ridiculous? Maybe not. Believe it or not, a group of local businessmen in London has come up with the idea of introducing two-speed pavements in Oxford Street as a way of trying to reduce aggressive behaviour or 'pavement rage' on Britain's busiest high street.

Under the scheme - proposed yesterday at the beginning of Pavement Rage Awareness Week - slow walkers found straying into the fast lane could be fined £10.

The scheme would be policed by up to 30 'marshals' who would patrol up and down, nabbing offenders. They would be helped by pedestrian speed cameras, which would brook no room for argument.

Come to think of it, it doesn't sound that daft an idea. York's shopping streets get pretty crowded during the festive season: and who hasn't felt that sense of grinding rage at being hemmed in by the big man in the flapping coat, or the elderly couple proceeding along the pavement at a snail's pace.

The possibilities are endless, when you think about it. I mean, why stop at two-speed pavements? You could have pedestrian double yellow lines on some of our busiest streets, making it impossible for those annoying people who will insist on window shopping - but with occasional loitering bays for those who really must stand and stare. You could have clampers patrolling outside Marks and Spencer in Parliament Street, so that anyone who hangs around there for more than five minutes, blocking the road in the process, gets their ankles chained to a post and is only released on payment of a large fee. You could have a one-way system in Shambles (south to north only) - and so that the council wouldn't have to pay a full-time marshal to police it, you could have an automatic people barrier at the south end. Activated by an infrared sensor, it would rise up automatically whenever anyone attempted to approach the street from the wrong direction.

Those who attempted to 'jump' the barrier might end up in hospital, but hey, they should have seen the warning signs. Rather than complaining, they should be thankful they're not being done for reckless walking.

While the council is at it, it could even publish a Pavement Code giving handy, easy-to-understand advice on how to be a courteous pedestrian. Look both ways before emerging from a shop on to a busy street; no sudden changes of direction; if you are going to turn right or left, indicate with a polite gesture of the right or left hand first; don't smoke or use mobile phones while walking; respect the personal space of the person in front of, behind or to either side of you by not approaching closer than a foot: and above all, don't tread on anyone's heels.

Council chiefs willing to bite the bullet might find more support for such a scheme than they expected - especially if they contented themselves with sticking to the sort of two-speed pavement system being talked about for Oxford Street. A brief excursion to York's crowded Coney Street yesterday certainly found a few supporters.

"I think it would be a good idea," said 22-year-old Louise O'Donnell, out shopping in Coney Street and pushing her baby daughter Riley in front of her in a pushchair. "Older people tend to walk slowly and they do get in the way. You don't want to be rude but I do get aggravated."

"I do find it really frustrating when people are walking so slowly and you cannot get past," agreed Helen Page, from Middlesbrough, in York with her husband Steve to do some Christmas shopping.

Wow! That's two out of two - 100 per cent in favour of the radical new proposals. Could change be in the air? Favourite candidates for the two-speed treatment following this mini-consultation include Spurriergate, Coney Street, Davygate, Stonegate, Petergate, Parliament Street and Pavement. Imagine just how much easier people would be able to get about...

Sadly, consultee number three spoils the 100 per cent record of pro-fast laners. Fifty three-year-old Ernest Unwin, from Pontefract, in York to do some Christmas shopping, says the city is a lovely place to stroll around as it is - and being able to dawdle where you wanted was one of the great attractions. And no, he wouldn't be in favour of a two-speed system.

Every great idea has its opponents, though. What about retailers, surely they'll be in favour of a scheme to end aggravation on our pedestrianised streets? Sally Slack, chairman of the retail committee of the York and North Yorkshire Chamber of Commerce and herself manageress of a city-centre store, emits a strange gurgling noise when the question is put. It might, she gasps - drying the tears of laughter off her cheeks - be a good idea in Oxford Street. "But I think here we will be maintaining the more traditional pedestrian format."

Sadly - as is only to be expected, I suppose - the city council is taking the same line. "We're trying to encourage pedestrians in the city centre," stutters an appalled head of highways regulation, Peter Evely. "That means being able to wander where you like, at whatever speed you like. That's part of the attraction of the city."

I don't know. No imagination some people. Sounds like a dawdler's charter to me. Since the council will not bite the bullet, we've come up with your own handy pedestrian plan, as seen in the graphic on this page.

But if York really wants to continue in the slow lane, who am I to say otherwise?