Safe from harm

IT'S estimated that an act of domestic violence is committed every six seconds. That was the shock finding of a recent report which examined 999 calls, referrals to organisations such as Victim Support, Relate, Refuge and the Women's Aid Federation on one single day in Britain. The findings also confirmed that domestic violence affects women from all walks of life.

Several celebrities have spoken out about their experience of domestic violence, most recently TV personality Anthea Turner, actress Lynda Bellingham and Calendar news presenter Christa Ackroyd. Sheryl Gascoigne, ex wife of soccer player Paul, and TV presenter Ulrika Jonsson are two other well-known faces who have suffered physical abuse from their partners.

And in her new autobiography, EastEnders actress turned pop star Martine McCutcheon writes how she and her mother were terrorised by her father.

But domestic violence doesn't always manifest itself in punches and blows. And it doesn't always have to come from a boyfriend or husband.

To mark Domestic Violence Awareness Week, two women currently in a Women's Aid refuge in York agreed to speak to the Evening Press about their experience of abuse.

Cath suffered ten years of mental cruelty from her partner while Peggy was regularly attacked by her father and brother.

It was almost a year ago that Cath and her three children arrived at the York refuge, fleeing a life of domestic abuse in the South.

"You don't have to have bruises to be a victim of domestic violence. He wasn't so much slap happy as just mentally cruel," says Cath.

"It was a case that I was always in the wrong and he had a halo on his head. His idea of winning a row was to jump into the sack with somebody else.

"The problem began after our son was born. We drifted apart - well he did, but he wouldn't let me do the same."

Cath's 'ex' tried to control and intimidate her even when living with a new woman.

"He would drive up and down the street with his girlfriend in the car. He'd even turn up at the supermarket at the time when I did my weekly shop - even though he lived miles away."

Cath believes mental cruelty can be worse than physical abuse.

"If he slaps you on the face, you can forget it. If he says something hurtful, it stays with you.

"It affects people differently. Over the years, it's hardened me up. I've got the barriers up now."

Such is Cath's wall of steel, she has broken off a relationship with a man she met in York - for fear of getting hurt again.

"He was a lovely guy, had a heart of gold, and I was getting attached, too attached. I just wasn't prepared to go down that road again."

Fleeing to York was one of the hardest decisions of her life and all these months on, she is still not sure what the future holds.

She doesn't want to return home, fearful that her ex might abuse her children or try to get at her through them. But one of her children is dreadfully homesick and frequently upset.

"I really don't know what to do for the best," confesses Cath.

"My head is spinning."

Discipline had always been a feature of Peggy's home life when she was a child. But when financial problems meant she had to move back home as an adult with her own young child, Peggy found she became a punch bag for her father and brother.

On one occasion her brother beat her up so badly she called the police. Officers urged her to press charges, but her family persuaded her not to.

"Most people assume domestic violence involves a husband beating up his wife, but in my case it was my family.

"I was brought up to be told I was thick, stupid, a whore, fat and useless and that I'd never go anywhere in life," she says.

Her father would slap her for the slightest thing, such as making lumpy gravy or dinner not being ready on time.

Meanwhile, her mother would look on, urging Peggy just to do as she was told to 'keep the peace'.

But it wasn't the cruel words and the violent acts which forced Peggy to flee. It was when she saw her daughter starting to receive the same treatment that she decided to get out.

Her local refuge helped her find a place far away, in York, and since arriving she and her daughter haven't looked back.

Her daughter has started a new school and is having counselling with a child support worker at the refuge.

Meanwhile, Peggy has been helped by the support from other women in the refuge, who are always on hand with a cup of tea, the offer of a cigarette and a listening ear.

"I'm happy because I feel like I'm me again. But I'm sad because I can't see a time when I will ever speak to my family again," says Peggy.

Emotionally, the past few months have been a rollercoaster, but Peggy can see things levelling out and a sense of normality returning soon.

She hopes to move into a flat with her daughter after Christmas.

"The refuge is a place women run to, but a place they can walk from," she says. "It helps you restart your life."

Please note, all names have been changed to protect the identities of the women and their children.

For more information about York Women's Aid, call 01904 646630 or call into the organisation's public office in Walmgate, York.