I KNOW traffic chiefs in York have got a downer on the poor old motorist: but this is ridiculous. As if trying to drive through three feet of water while negotiating rising bollards, chicanes and speed humps weren't enough, anyone daring to try and drive up Lendal is now faced by an impossible dilemma.

York motorists have got used to the No Right Turn sign painted on the road at the exit to Museum Street. But a No Left Turn sign as well? That's going a little far, surely.

"It looks as if the only way out of Lendal now is by helicopter!" one bemused contact told me.

Now there's a thought. If we all got our own chopper it could solve York's traffic problems at a stroke.

u KEITH Elsworth of Strensall sent me this: "While sitting watching the flickering candles during a power cut on Tuesday evening the phone rang and a voice said: 'Are you interested in cheaper electricity?'"

Don't be dim, son!

uAS the rain lashed down outside the butcher's shop in York's Walmgate and flood waters swelled the River Foss, a creased, drenched head popped round the open door and cackled at the meat man: "If this keeps up you'll be selling trout and salmon. Ha, ha, ha!"

The fresh-faced butcher, who looks about 12, looked perplexed for a moment until the penny dropped.

u MY spy tells me that Total petrol stations are well prepared for the fuel protesters' proposed disruptive road convoy ride from Jarrow to London next Friday.

They are stocking up with Sold Out posters for their forecourts!

u THE train companies have been getting a bashing for a few weeks so here's a bouquet.

One couple on a walking (or should that be swimming) holiday in south-west Scotland were trying to get home to the London area on the day the weather had all the trains in chaos.

At one point, they were planning to break their journey and stay with relatives in York, because the trains were blocked from Doncaster southward.

But in the few hours it took them to get from Carlisle to York via Newcastle, GNER sorted out the little difficulties of blown-down overhead lines and assorted floods and resumed services to all places south.

So the couple stayed on the train and got home.

They were doubly thankful they had not stayed in York the next day when they heard about our great floods.

Great... North Eastern Railway.

u JUST how much fun can you get out of a bun? A new recruitment section on the website of Yorkshire-based Ainsleys' family bakers is headed: Can You Fill Our Roles?

Which suggests that the latest Ainsley branch in Gowerthorpe, Selby - looking to recruit ten people - may sell corn as well as sandwiches and hot snacks.

u DEEP thoughts on trivial matters.

That's life, that's what they say... I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

When confronted by a difficult problem, solve it more easily by reducing it to the question: "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

u DID you know The Guinness Book Of Records began life as a book for pub landlords to use for settling arguments?

Back in 1955 the book came with a wipe-clean cover to protect it from the pints and froth of arguing punters anxious to prove a point.

In 1998 American Kevin Cole made it in to the famous book with his record for shooting a strand of spaghetti 19.05cms (7.5 inches) from his... nose!

uMARRIAGE... from a man's point of view...

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife Wanted. Next day he received 100 letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."