And some you Lew's

So there I was, standing outside the Dormouse pub-restaurant when 67-year-old Lew Speight sped up the drive on his expensive black scooter dressed in a full-length leather coat that looked as if it had been stripped off 'Allo 'Allo's Herr Flick.

Obviously a Dormouse regular he was greeted by the friendly staff who wanted to know why had he been having his picture taken outside?

Listen I'll say this only once... our lips were sealed until we sat down to a foaming pint.

Lew, pictured right, ran his Place by the Ouse at King's Staith for eight years from 1975 and he never took prisoners. Regular customers realised they were never right and visitors soon got the message or left. Lew never could be accused of deleting his expletives as I, and the young couple dining at the next table in the Dormouse, soon found out.

So back to the gizza job advert.

"I'm selling the Grange Restaurant at Shipton-by-Beningbrough today, actually," said Lew, who has more lines than Railtrack etched on a face that has laughed away the decades.

"It is going to be turned into an exotic carpet warehouse so I'm looking for another job so that I don't finish up like my retired mates in Spain. They are all as fat as harvest frogs and I couldn't be doing with that.

"I've been offered a couple of jobs like working in a retirement home but that doesn't blow me frock up if you know what I mean."

After a few more slurps and funny stories from his chequered past - he used to a sales rep for a posh London menswear shop for 25 years before coming to York 40 or so years ago - the woman scoffing her chips at the next table is laughing between mouthfuls and half turning to hear more of Lew's lurid tales.

Such as the time he threw a diner out of Lew's Place because he refused to drink up the tiny drop of wine and retire to the bar and let queuing would-be trenchermen have his table.

"I tried to be reasonable," recalls wonderfully unreasonable Lew. "In the end I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and hurled him into the street.

"Seconds later there he was again at the same table. He said he only went back for his coat... but I chucked him out again.

"As he straightened himself up he said he was a Good Food Guide inspector and we would never get in the guide again. And we didn't," laughed Lew.

"Who cares we had already appeared in it three times by then and all our regulars knew where to come for a great meal."

By this time the woman on the next table, having eaten her chips, was chewing on her fingers to stop herself from howling.

So back to the future.

"Y'know what's wrong today?", challenges Lew. "There's no fun left. There's no laughter any more. It's all money. No fun, no characters. The faceless suits rule the roost these days.

"I want a job, but it's not about brass - I got £75,000 just for the good name of Lew's Place - it's about keeping active and having a laugh."

u THE idea was that when York held its Symphony of Bells And Brass every church or public building in the city, with a bells or a bell, would ring them in unison from 7pm till 8.30pm on the signal of three loud bangs as fireworks went off.

At York Castle Museum a member of staff, together with an assistant, awaited the signal to ring the Debtor's Prison clock-tower bell.

By 7.20pm neither had heard anything so one went down to the Eye Of York to see what was happening.

He asked a passing couple if they had heard anything.

"Oh yes," they replied. "We heard three loud bangs about 20 minutes ago." Rushing back to the museum the pair began frantically ringing away.

Sadly their belated participation in the event was short lived - the bell's clapper fell off within minutes.

Hope they went to a pub for a large Bells.

u For more enterprising youngsters, that American import Hallowe'en now involves home and away fixtures. Two Dickensian urchins knocked on the door at my mate's home in Huntington Road, York, last night.

"Trick or treat, mister," they said, with their well-honed blend of merriment and menace.

Come back on the 31st, they were told.

"Can't", they said sourly. "We're from Leeds."

u AH, the perils of doing good turns at school holiday times.

My pal Geri said her daughter could bring home two gerbils for the school's summer break but only if they were of the same sex.

She duly brought two 'males' home during the last summer break and went back to school with eight baby gerbils plus the originals.

u EXCUSES, excuses. Travellers from York could be forgiven for feeling a little miffed last Sunday when the Newcastle to London train eventually arrived in the capital.

As the train pulled into Kings Cross 30 minutes late, the following announcement was broadcast over the train's sound system, by a rather fed-up sounding guard.

"We apologise for the late running of this service. This was due to over-running engineering work south of Newcastle... and waiting for passengers to board the train at York."

Fancy stopping the train to pick up passengers - whatever next?

u I WAS swamped by entries for my Queen And The Dinosaur caption competition last week.

After lots of mirth and careful thought the prize of five CDs goes to Philip Thornes of Main Street, Bubwith, Selby for suggesting the Queen is saying: "Oh, baggar! I fourgot to send Camilla a birthday cord."

Well done Philip, and you will be if Liz ever finds out what you have been saying behind her back.

u Not tested on animals - label on a bottle of dog shampoo.

I never speak of my ex-

husbands except under hypnosis

Joan Collins