NOW here's an enjoyable job: council bollard monitor. You would witness more thrills and spills on Stonebow than at a demolition derby. Kerang! A taxi's been totalled. Prang! A BMW 5 Series has bought it.

Imagine the fun of watching each driver tootle up the road, blissfully unaware that he was in imminent danger of an impaling. One minute he is admiring the gracious curve of Stonebow House, the next he's eating airbag.

Soon, however, drivers will get the message and stick to authorised routes. About time too.

When Stonebow and Pavement were closed to traffic during roadworks earlier this year, this stretch of road became a haven for pedestrians. Anything that deters cars from city centre streets is to be applauded. Do not stop at Lendal, I say: close all the bridges.

Certainly the boffin who dreamt up the rising bollard deserves an MBE. If he can refine it so BMWs trigger a special pump action mode, make that a knighthood.

We will never meet this genius, unfortunately. I assume he is holed up in a bunker somewhere in York, the secret HQ of the council's war against the motorist.

From here, he has created all manner of devious devices: chicanes, speed humps, speed cushions, traffic islands, CCTV. But this... this was his masterstroke. Imagine the excitement in the bunker when the prototype bollard was demonstrated to highways chiefs.

"So, I gather you have got something special for me this time, Q?"

"Yes sir. Please put on these protective goggles and stand well back.

"As you can see, in this mock-up the car represents an unauthorised vehicle driven by an enemy motorist.

"First we distract him with signs, cones and speed humps, here here and here. Then, just as he believes he has beaten us and wheedled his way into the protected area..."

Whoosh! Crunch. Hiss...

"My god, that's brilliant Q! It's a sort of bollard depth-charge - a seat-seeking missile, if you will."

"That's right sir. They don't like it up 'em you know."

"Mind you, Q, probably best to lose the warhead."

"As you wish, commander. But, with respect, there is only one way to make these scoundrels sit up and take notice. And that's exploding bollards."

NO doubt the Cancer Research Campaign's new poster will have the advertising execs popping their champagne corks in self-congratulation. The poster, due to be displayed near the York City football ground, shows a man cupping the breasts of a woman. We must presume that she is his girlfriend/wife, or at least that they have met before. The slogan says: "Give Your Support." Geddit?

Those wacky creative types at the ad agency will believe it "hits all the right buttons". Secretly, they will be hoping some prudes complain, to stir up extra - free - publicity.

But is all the fuss really necessary? I'm happy to say that previous, more restrained, campaigns have already done a superb job of raising awareness of the risks of breast cancer.

Most women know about the disease. What they probably do not realise is that they are five times more likely to die of heart disease than breast cancer.

Peculiarly, some illnesses are far more fashionable than others. Surely it would make more sense to put up an advert outside a football ground alerting men to the dangers of testicular or prostate cancer?

Charities supporting research into these diseases probably don't have the money to fund an advertising campaign however. And who would want to see a giant picture of someone's hand down a bloke's Y-fronts?