Elephant Juice opened in cinemas this week... and not before time for York pub-signs artist Pierre Mouline. The man whose distinctive signs adorn most city centre hostelries plays a coke-sniffing gay waiter in the romantic comedy starring Daniela Nardini, Sean Gallagher and Emmanuelle Beart.

It is all about angst-ridden 30-something friends who fall in and out of love (and bed) with one another in London.

"I play a gay waiter in the film which was made about two years ago," explains Pierre, the flashing-eyed, 33-year-old Frenchman who doubled for Pierce Brosnan as James Bond in Tomorrow Never Dies during the breath-taking sky-diving scenes.

"The movie just missed the 1999 Cannes Film Festival so I assume it was held back for this year's thrash before going on general release," says Pierre, who has muscles on his muscles.

"The reason I got the gay waiter's part was because my agent Laura said I look very camp and gay," he says, snorting with mock-horror.

"In the end I thought 'merde!' I need the money and it is a speaking part. So I did it and had a great time with all the cast and crew. It was really like being part of a big family."

In real life - if there is such a thing for the handsome Frenchman, who was shot serving with United Nations forces in Bosnia before working, fittingly enough, as a barman in Heaven, a London gay club - Pierre is anything but gay and does not do drugs.

He has shared a flat with a drag queen, but I think we'll draw a veil over that tale.

"On my first night in Heaven the doors were about to open at 10pm when my boss came up and cooed: 'Oh goodness, I've forgotten about your uniform.'

"He fished in his suit pocket and handed me a skimpy pair of Calvin Klein underpants. 'There', he said 'now you're ready to go to work.'

"It was odd working in nothing but knickers but, merde, I needed the..."

"Yes, yes..." I interrupted, "I get the picture."

Even the black suit Pierre is wearing for this picture has its own story. "I bought it because I thought I'd clinched a job as a bouncer at a Leeds nightclub... but it all fell through.

"C'est la vie, at least I've got a suit... my only suit."

And he may be needing it soon.

Marriage to his long-time love Tracey Lawes, deputy manager at York's Grand Opera House, is very much on the cards for the French charmer who makes Maurice Chevalier at his best look like an Essex wideboy.

u THIS is the story about how one late breakfast made the stomachs of 250 air travellers churn.

And it could only happen to my mate Baz The Plumber.

The elfin Yorkie had 250 holidaymakers booing him when he finally boarded his 5.30pm plane from Manchester Airport to Malaga last Saturday.

Along with Dawn, Angie, Julia and Kevin, Baz left his Lawrence Street watering hole after a few slurps in good time to get to the airport.

And arrive he did, two hours before take-off.

Half an hour before his flight was called, he wandered off for a late breakfast to 'soak up the sauce', so to speak.

Now it is very rare for Baz to breakfast, let alone tuck in when fellow passengers are all tucked up ready for take-off. But he just could not be found.

As "Will Mr Barry Fowler on Flight 123 for Malaga please report to departures" resounded around the airport and passengers already on board the plane fumed, a demented Dawn was spotted bashing Baz around the bonce as she pulled him across the Tarmac and up the steps to the jet.

And what a reception our hero got!

How do I know all this? Because when Baz went walkabout in the airport Angie rang Baz's local asking if they had heard anything from him.

Then Dawn rang three hours later to say they had all arrived in Spain despite killing looks from other passengers. And Baz? "He's gone straight out for... a few pints!"

He's back tomorrow, give or take a breakfast.

u DR Rock who puts the snap, cackle and pop into local radio in these parts is branching out since my successful campaign to reinstate his BBC show earlier this year.

His Saturday lunch-time show was dumped by Radio York because of so-called dwindling listening figures. The howls of protest over his axing could be heard all the way to the Scarborough chiropodist's home. The Beeb had boobed so he was invited back for a 'special' on Easter Monday... then promoted to a two-hour Saturday night slot and now... the world!

Well, not exactly the world, but his good-time rock show has now been snapped up by BBC Radios Hull, Leeds and Sheffield.

The good doctor told me this morning: "I'm absolutely rocked out by the news. We'll have to have a jar to celebrate. Aaaggghhh."

Right on, doc.

u All those who moaned about living without a car during the petrol crisis might like to learn a lesson from a young housebreaker from one of the remotest parts of Scotland where public transport is mostly... feet!

He had an appointment with a judge in York where he faced a long spell in the slammer for a series of burglaries in our fair city.

But did he stay where he was and wait for the judge to give him a free lift in a police car courtesy of a bench warrant? No.

With the country's roads almost empty and the trains in turmoil, he set off on foot. A long walk, three trains and eight hours later, he arrived at court spot on time.

Not only that, his enterprise persuaded the judge to put him on probation, not Cell Block H.

u FOR years I thought the height of technology was getting the top off a Biro. Now I'm on this e-mail thing and what do you do? Ignore me that's what!

I bust a gut every week trying to make you titter.

Now it's your turn to hit me with some of your funnies for us all to share.

So come up and e-me make me smile, on... Turpin@ycp.co.uk

Defining moment

I think my bottom looks like a cauliflower in a net curtain - TV star Graham Norton, co-winner of the Bottoms-Up Rear Of The Year award this week with former Coronation Street star Jane Danson who, played Leanne Battersby.