"I SMELL something fishy," said the catfish on the wall. Needless to say the female customer at the bar was shocked by the insolent talking beast.

This irate customer had to be placated by Ian Murray, landlord at the Wheatsheaf, Burn, but he feels it is a small price to pay for having two talking and singing fish on display.

A trout and catfish proudly adorn the centrepiece on the bar and are examples of the weird and wonderful kitsch that can be found on the walls and boozers across the county.

His catfish is activated by a motion sensor, which sensibly is covered up by Blu-tac most of the time.

When it is removed all hell breaks loose with the offensive, whiskered creature talking rubbish and singing badly every time someone tries to get to the bar.

The amusement value is occasionally lowered by the Americanisms the thing spouts, but it still kept us entertained.

Big Mouth Billie Bass also has a go every so often with his renditions of Take Me to the River and Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Ian loves his fish and so does his customers and Bar Talk would like to find out what other carp can be found on our North and East Yorkshire pub walls.

Anyone whose boozer is adorned with the sort of detritus that makes it worth a visit, then please get in touch. The best will be highlighted in our column, as will some of the worst.

And the prize: a visit from us and our expense accounts (ie free half and packet of pork scratchings).

IF this column has inspired you to visit the Wheatsheaf, then why not call in between Thursday and Saturday.

There is one humdinger of a beer festival going on with more than 20 favourite local and regional ales as well as the odd hand-pull lager.

Ian is confident of a busy festival, like last year's, and has been told to expect CAMRA members and other real ale fans from all over Yorkshire, North, South, East and West.

To celebrate the opening, the first pint will be pulled by a local celebrity.

Last year's guest of honour was beer-lover and Selby MP John Grogan. This year's is set to be slightly fatter but no less busy.

The popularity of Bar Talk has risen in recent years, culminating in Joshua Titley presiding over the opening the Last Drop Inn.

Not to be outdone, his younger colleague Dan Beergutstein also gets top billing at the Wheatsheaf.

So, anyone who wants to meet the man behind the beer-gut, can happily buy him a pint at the Wheatsheaf, Burn, at noon on Thursday.

Cheers.

Dan Beergutstein

AS our esteemed, but never steaming, colleague Martin Lacy relates in his wine notes above, the Internet is a wonderful thing.

But it is not only your wine drinkers, with their strange spitty-outy ways, that can enjoy the web. There's stuff out there for the beer monsters among us too.

Two sites have been brought to Bar Talk's attention recently. First up is Jim's York Pub Guide. Found at www.jiy.freeuk.com Jim's pithy assessments of city boozers will confirm your own prejudices and give guidance to visitors.

Meanwhile electronicyork.com contains longer assessments of pubs, pub reviews, a bad pub grub tour and a good pub crawl guide.

All power to your mouse. But remember you don't need a computer to reach a state of virtual reality: six pints of Yorkshire Terrier will take you there for a fraction of the price.

Joshua Titley