I'M having an affair. So is my husband. At least, according to an expert we are. Conclusions drawn from years of experience by a leading Yorkshire-based divorce lawyer point to the fact that we're both cheating.

We're leaving behind lots of clues - and should have caught each other out long ago.

The family lawyer has produced a list of the give-away signs that reveal a man or woman is being unfaithful.

Shockingly, we seem to fall into many of the categories and if professional opinion is to be believed, in our house affairs are rampant.

But, are they really? I tried to find a shady, passion-fuelled explanation for the goings-on in our home and came up with - well, it's very boring really.

u The phone bill goes missing: According to the experts this is a deliberate ploy by a woman to stop hubby finding out that almost every call is to one number - her lover.

Reality: Our house is a tip. We can never find the central heating (gas) bill either, and while I'd like my husband to believe I have the window cleaner round every afternoon for steamy sessions in the tub, I can honestly say his thoughts will never have gone down that road.

u He suggests separate holidays: Apparently this is because while you're away he won't have to rush home too early from those illicit meetings with his lover.

Reality: We almost always take separate holidays to cut down on nursery fees - with the terrifying amount we have to fork out, three weeks' savings are better than two.

u She's spending more time with girlfriends: The experts view is that a woman wouldn't get really dressed up for a pizza and glass of wine with all-female company.

Reality: Excuse me! With two small children and no baby sitting service, the only chance I ever get to go out these days is with my girlfriends. And it's the only opportunity I ever get to dress up. It's an insult to think that the only reason women ever put on the glitz is for men.

u He starts taking an unusual interest in his clothes and overall appearance: Alarm bells should start ringing, says the expert - he's making an effort for someone else.

Reality: My husband has recently been taking an unusual interest in his clothes - because they're either falling apart or unsightly, or both. He almost begged me to buy him some new trousers recently after my daughter dropped a huge slice of beetroot on to his crotch and the stain remover proved less than brilliant.

u She doesn't cook for you anymore: Apparently, this is because she's begun eating out - with her lover.

Reality: The last time I cooked for my husband, roasting spits were still in common use. I remember, as a young students, opening the odd tin of Fray Bentos pie. But the reason I stopped all those decades ago is simple - I loathe cooking, while my husband loves it.

u She's looking trimmer and slimmer than the last time you really noticed: This is, supposedly, because if you no longer notice her figure she will work on it until someone else does.

Reality: If I ever look slightly less fat, it's in the week before pay day when the cupboards are bare. And his usual comment - "Looks like one of your spare tyres has deflated" - isn't exactly alive with interest or concern.

u Sex is a definite no no: He says he knows you're tired or have had a bad day and will do anything to avoid physical contact.

Reality: He knows wild horses couldn't get me interested.

So, as infidelity goes, it doesn't look like either of us should worry. There's an explanation for everything.

Even my credit card bill for a week in the Love Shack Motel, Las Vegas.

I lent it to a friend - honest.