Stan's stalled

But former 29 Commando Stan Lucas, the new landlord of the Waggon And Horses in Lawrence Street, York, got sick of whistling and decided to sort out the upstairs family loo door that hasn't shut for years once and for all.

Up he went and began riving at carpet and grotty hardboard. Down on his knees he pulled and pushed and strained in the Waggon's smallest room. He yanked at the brass door knob then, sweating, he sat down for mo and thought... and thought. He pushed the door shut and it locked fast. Things hadn't panned out according to Stan's plan.

He was locked in. His few tools and mobile phone were on the other side of the door. So he began banging. Gerri, his partner, heard it but thought he was just getting on with the job so she kept pulling pints while poor Stan was incarcerated in the kharzi.

"I couldn't get out. I couldn't get anyone's attention so after about 25 minutes I put me elbow through the little frosted window in the hope someone would come into the car park at the back," says Stan.

Long minutes later there's Stan standing on the pan peering through the broken window when a regular drove in, parked his car and spotted the face at the window.

"Eh up, Stan," said the regular, chirpily, "locked yourself in?"

Seething Stan shot back with: "No I always stand on the loo looking out of a broken window at the carpark!"

The regular raised the alarm with Gerri who went upstairs and passed Stan The Man a screwdriver from the kitchen window.

Stan's commando training didn't desert him. He attacked the unyielding lock with such ferocity he almost took the door off its hinges in his bid for freedom.

His misery, of course, did not end there.

He then had to face a savage ribbing from the wags at the bar. After a while he just sloped off to the loo, sat down and started... whistling!

OUR Yesterday Once More feature on York outfitters Isaac Walton brought this cautionary tale to my flapping ears. Isaac Walton's reputation spread far and wide - certainly as far as HM Borstal at Castle Howard.

One inmate, feeling down in the dumps after several months as a guest of Her Majesty, decided to cheer himself up with a visit to the York emporium. Having left Borstal clutching a single bus ticket, a few pence and no prospects, he decided that a new outfit would do his self-confidence a power of good.

Lack of funds was no hindrance to this criminal mastermind: marching boldly into Isaac Walton's, he asked to try on the most expensive jacket in the window.

Once it was safely on his back, our young miscreant promptly legged it leaving anguished shop assistants in his wake - and his own grubby pre-Borstal jacket in the shop.

The trouble was his old jacket had his Borstal discharge papers in the pocket. When this Raffles of the rag trade reached home he was gobsmacked to find the police waiting for him! The jacket was duly returned to the shop and our criminal subsequently to Borstal.

And to cap it all the jacket didn't even fit...

See Monday's Evening Press for more Isaac Walton memories

HE'S not dead - he's gone to Birmingham.

That's a word in your shell-like to all crustacean fans, who might have been worried about the fate of Barry The Yorkshire Lobster.

I can reveal that the rare albino lobster recently half-inched from its comfy rock pool in the Newquay Sea Life Centre is not Barry.

Sea Life gurus believe that their pincer-packing pal Ariel has been eaten, without any thought for his status as an endangered species.

Fears ran high when it emerged that Barry had been shipped off from his former home at the Sea Life in Scarborough to some other, less happy place.

But my spies tell me that Barry, who was caught off Filey Brigg in 1997, and whose rare pallor gave him a £20,000 price tag, has in fact gone to join Lenny Henry and Jasper Carrott in the culture capital of the West Midlands.

Apparently, he's gone to escape the recent 'tournedos' and he's got a new claws in his contract.

AS he stormed out of the house a York yuppie angrily yelled to his wife: "You aren't so good in bed either!"

By mid-morning, he decided he had better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his breathless wife answered the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

CHRISTINE, the sensitive, caring counsellor, was listening to a woman's problems intently in the lounge of her York home last Monday when boom!

Her television exploded... and it wasn't even switched on.

It was all part of the freak weather that hit the city as white lightning and heavy rain brought trains at York Station to a halt.

The caring counsellor found herself being counselled by a salesman at Curry's where she went for a new telly.

WASN'T it a nice gesture by York Motor Club to send a cheque for £25 to Lorraine Carter? She was the barmaid who saved their precious president's chain of office from the bin when her bosses gave up their pub before getting ready to jet off to a new life in America.

The priceless car-loom is back where it belongs after this column managed to spark a 'chain-reaction' and lovely Lorraine is in the lolly.

THE tension was mounting during Radio York's commentary on Scarborough's match with Morecambe on Tuesday night. The commentator, Ivan Ash, reported that Brooks Mileson, a potential investor and saviour of the club, had gone around the ground shaking hands with the fans then walked up the terraces and straight out of the ground.

What's happened, pondered Ivan? Has Mr Mileson seen enough and decided to turn his back on the club after all? Not quite.

He had nipped out to the car to collect his coat because it was rather a chilly night, as Ivan later sheepishly related.

Defining moment "Do you realise you are the first member of the Royal Family to win an Oscar?" - US reporter interviewing York's Dame Judi Dench about her award-winning performance as Queen Elizabeth I.

PICTURE: LUCAS AID: Geraldine Walton offers partner Stan a way out of the smallest room at the Waggon And Horses (Nikki Bowling)